This story gives us an insight into the mind of a young girl going through an unfortunate 'planned break up' . It's about her inability to express the right emotion.
I looked at the approaching metro. I looked at it and then looked at him. Probably, this would be the metro that separates us forever.
‘’ It seems really crowded, don’t you think so? “I said, looking at him
He chuckled and put his arms around my shoulder. I scanned the computer screen to see when the next metro would be arriving.
My heart sank. He kept on observing my actions waiting for me to say something, or cry maybe but I was doing neither.
“ We should’ve done that, you know , the break up kiss” He decided to speak
He had this unique ability of voicing out my thoughts . Sometimes, especially times like this it felt so eerie. As a child mom always told me that the back of head has an invisible television screen that only she could see and it portrayed all my thoughts. I still believe that. I wonder if he could see the invisible television screen.
I could see the lights of the metro that was coming. I could also feel his eyes fixed on me.
I looked at his face and tried to smile.
“The next one, not this one”
He didn’t chuckle this time, just pulled me into a really awkward hug which just invited judgmental looks from many people.
“There are times when I felt you never loved me back…” I blurted out like an idiot. “… And I know it souds crazy , right? Cause I know you love me but at times I felt like this and I couldn’t help it. And also I never liked your friend Heena, actually I was really really jealous of her but then I never told you because I’d sound like those typical clingy girlfriends and I did not want to be that”
Phew. I took a breath and looked at him.
“ I’m speechless. “ He said
Obviously you are.
I could hear the next metro arriving. This was it. I had to get on this one.
“This is it, board this metro ok?” He wasn’t looking at me anymore.
Out of all the ‘last moment stuff to say’ I chose to say something that completely ruined the moment. He looked hurt and my facial muscles forgot how to portray any form of expression. So this actually was it.
The Break Up.
In my head I had always tried to imagine what today would be like. Never ever in my head did I expect it to go like this. Vedant had to go to Mumbai for his job and he realized that it wouldn’t be possible for us to continue with our relationship as both of us have had bad experiences with long distance relationships in the past. So this was our planned break up.
My mind was juggling with emotions at that time. And just like all the colours when mixed together become white, all my emotions had been mixed together and became white . I felt numb, but in a sad way but did not want to ruin the moment by being sad, a part of wanted to be happy and chirpy.
The metro door opened.
I looked at him, and then looked at his lips. I wanted to kiss them. I wanted time to stop and I wanted to hold him and never let go of him. I wanted to cry and ask him to stay. I wanted to ask him to give the long distance relationship a shot. I wanted him to be mine forever. I wanted to relive those moments- standing in the bookshop for hours and discussing about books, the long night texts, the dead honest moments. Everything.
“ So it’s goodbye then?”
Nothing came out. Just White Emotions.