Memories are funny things. They attach themselves to some strange smell or a particular song or a particular place and this ability of our brain to associate some things to a particular memory is the basis of a Deja Vu. Yakta, 29 year old single girl, experienced a bitter Deja Vu one day which took her to a journey to her 'Oh so awesome' past life that ended on a bad note.
My dinner was waiting for me. I looked at it. Atleast something was waiting for me. I started eating it.
It was cold.
But I didn't mind cold food. Not at all. One of the perks of being lonely and lazy is that you don't mind cold food at all.
I sighed. Lonely and lazy. I never thought I'd come to that point in life when these words would describe me. And some days I become lonely, lazy and sad. That's when the loneliness really gets me.
Television was meant to be for public entertainment. But somehow I find nothing so entertaining. As I flipped through the TV remote only to give up my phone rang.
My phone rang and my heart skipped a beat.
It was just my boss.
I wanted to toss the phone onto a wall but then I'd be a jobless and phoneless lonely girl.
"Yakta, you haven't submitted your reports yet. I hope you submit them by Friday. Can you do that?"
"Sorry sir. Yes sir"
"Alright Friday then. Thank you."
Well an unhappy boss isn't a great thing either. I sighed again. I looked outside.
Lonely and lazy and fed up with this life. Yep that's what I am.
I wore my shoes and went outside.
The feeling you get when you start something big, but don't know what to do after that, THAT is exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I had come outside but I didn't know what to do.
The cool breeze sent a chill down my spine. I took out my earphones and started walking aimlessly. It had rained the day before and I did not like the smell of damp soil. But I kept on walking, because I had nothing better to do and physical exercise was something that I needed desperately.
I stopped. I felt like I was paralysed. It seemed as if I was teleported somewhere else in the past.
The same song.
Memories hit me like a wave.
The trees and roads disappeared and I was sitting in a room. A room different from the one I live in now. A time when I wasn't alone.
My head was on his lap. He was gently stroking my hair with one hand and holding a book in the other hand.
"I can't remember all this" he said looking at me.
“What can you not remember babe? " I knew the answer to the question though.
He was my husband, and a post graduate medical student. We met at my college fest and it didn't take much time for us to realise that we were made for each other. He was a medical student and I was a Zoology student. He used to study 9 hours a day and I barely studied before the exams. Yet I used to get 80% in all my exams and he had to struggle and work hard day and night to score more than 60%. I graduated before him and got a job before him while the poor thing remained a student. I earned more than him by working for lesser hours than him. We got married after 5 years of dating. He had just completed his MBBS and managed to secure a good rank in his post graduate competitive exam. I felt bad seeing him coming home late at night, tired and disappointed with himself. His perpetual complaint was not being able to retain what he studied even after repetitive revision. I assured him that he just expected too much from himself. And I knew that wasn't the answer he wanted.
"Look at this, I've been studying it for the past 3 hours and I'm still clueless"
I decided to take a look.
I was horrified. Being a Zoology student I knew that what was written in italics were scientific names of organisms.
"I can't remember what bacteria causes what and if I don't know that, I won't be able to know what antibiotic to give" he said.
"I don't know what to say babe. Make a table. Write and learn. Read it everyday" I shrugged my shoulders.
He gave me the ' don't talk about stuff you don't know' look and got up.
"Where are you going?" I looked up at him
" I'm off to sleep" he said without looking at me.
I knew he was upset and it upset me too. For the past 7 years I had always seen him disappointed with himself and his performance and I felt helpless. I wanted to do something to make him happy.
I followed him to the bedroom. He turned on the air conditioner and sat down on the bed, put his book next to his pillow and was going through his phone.
I went and sat down next to him.
To my surprise, he was looking at our old pictures. I looked at him and smiled.
"Remember this one ? " He showed me a picture.
" Of course I do"
We both were sharing an earphone and listening intently to a song when someone decided to click our picture. It was the perfect candid picture.
"Do you still have that song?" He asked me
I played the song on my phone and put my head on his shoulder. It seemed like a perfect romantic moment.
Seemed like was the key word here.
" We should get a divorce" he dropped the bomb.
I was so sure that I heard him wrong that I didn't even bother reacting to it. My head was still on his shoulder.
" We should get a divorce Yakta"
I laughed. I knew he was joking .
" Why? You like someone else ? Some nurse in your hospital?" I said jokingly.
The song started playing on repeat again. He turned it off.
" I'm serious."
I lifted my head up and looked at him. He had a grave look on his face.
I burst out laughing again, expecting him to burst out laughing any moment. But he didn't .
" You don't motivate me Yakta. You're my source of distraction. I wasn't supposed to marry so early but I did it because you wanted to. I was supposed to go abroad and study but I didn't because of you. I can't discuss medical stuff with you. Your life is simple and you did not have to do much work and you still earn more than me. I want a study partner and you can't be that either. I can't spend hours in the library studying because I have to come home to you and as a husband I have to satisfy your needs and in that process I'm falling back. Im losing out on my studies. Mom was right, I should've just married a doctor. Atleast she would understand my situation. I want to do super specialisation after my M.D but after some days you'll want a kid and then another responsibility. I can't move forward with you. "
I couldn't believe what I heard . From what was supposed to be an intimate and romantic moment, here he was enlisting reasons for our divorce. I calmed myself down and told myself that this was a temporary problem and he would be fine the next morning.
But I was wrong. So wrong.
Eventually we got divorced.
For one year, I blamed myself for being the reason behind the divorce. I believed in his reasons for the divorce until one day I got a letter from him.
I hope you're coping up well. I know you're a strong girl and everything happened so fast and you just accepted everything so easily and without a fight. I know the past five months have been hard. We fought a lot and I said really mean stuff to you. You didn't deserve all this. You were a great wife. You supported me and I'm sorry for all the things I said.
The divorce wasn't your fault and I know I'm late but you deserve to know this. I cheated on you. I had an affair with a batchmate of mine. Being in the same field and her ability to truely understand my problems attracted me and she became my study partner and she did not believe in marriage which was even better for me. I was guilty, trust me I was. I love you Yakta ,I still do, but my profession and my desire to excel made me take this step.
After our divorce I shifted with her only to realise that she wasn't the one for me. And that day I realised what a horrible mistake I made. I lost out on you. I gave up on us. I know I'm too late now, but yes, you deserved to know this.
I don't want us to get back together because i know by now you're disgusted at me but all I can ask for is your forgiveness. I hope you reply back.
Your ex- husband
I never replied back. It was my turn to be selfish. I had to heal the damage I had done to myself by blaming myself for one year everyday after the divorce for not being a good wife only to realise that he was cheating on me. Till date, I never understood why he asked me about that song just before he told me that he wanted a divorce and why he was going through our old pictures. But then some questions are supposed to remain unanswered.
The honking of a car broke me out of my trance. I realised some other song started playing and I was still standing on damp soil.
I came back home. I hate the rainy season and I hate the smell of damp soil.
I sat down and worked on my report when I realised that I forget to do something. I took out my phone.
I deleted the song from my playlist.
Deja Vu can be a bitch at times.