A kite flies the farthest when it’s tied, but after all it’s tied and feels bound beyond a point!!! The same is with every human on earth!!!
She thought to herself, “It’s enough and now she need to end this. Relationships are not what they intend to do…love should liberate and not hold one back! Love gives you wings and relationships support you when you fall, but it’s you to decide and shape your life and thoughts.” She went ahead, with all her frustration and dejection of life, to the guy she loved.
Looking at her expression of wrath the guy gave her a chair and a juice. She sat, but with more strength in her eyes than ever before, without taking the juice she asked for privacy and then going to a corner, she told him,
“It’s over. There is nothing left and there will nothing ever be. Whatever was there was only a kind of hallucination of time. I should have never expected this to enter into my life and I am damn fed up. I am fed up with it all.
I have realized well that the only one is I, who understands me and nobody else. I am a human being, independent by birth as a citizen but always in fetters as a human. Clad is my heart in fetters and tied I am to the bonds of relationship. Shackled is my freedom and manacled is my desire, I stand as a bird in cage, locked by the worldly rules. I feel like my wings are broken. When I think of the little bird, who flies tearing the sky, I often think of the number of times she must have fallen before rising this time to the sky and I try to feel the feeling of that first flight she took after so many times of failures. Yet I never experience it the way I thought I would.
It’s like the definitions have changed for me. I feel success is something different today. I feel like my whole life went without a little thought of myself in it. I feel like I have been living to conform to others wishes. I walk a lonely road now, the one I only know and I am simply unaware where it goes but I am happy that at least I am walking on it, may be alone but for conformance to myself, it might give me a broken heart but then there is no use having a heart that doesn’t beat for myself but for everybody else possible.
I am a human being and I feel like living in a particular way. I often say, it doesn’t matter who thinks what about me but I am afraid the more I dig into my soul, the more I feel like I am being conscious only because of someone else, only to reconfirm to myself that I am confirming to the world surrounding me.
I know, I have never been myself and even if I say I am being myself, that might be in an attempt to just boost my confidence in myself as a human being or to confirm to my obduracy. I have seen people around and they all might be living the same way as I used to or may be, it might also have happened that some of them are walking on their lonely roads and those roads simply merge…
There may be some who accept you the way you are and wouldn’t ask you to confirm to their ways… I don’t even understand where from these ways come.
I believe they are the ways of those who walk their own lonely road, the empty streets once while the city was busy confirming to someone or the other for the sake of seeking love. Later on, with the passage of time, those streets become crowded as those ways were taken to be the ways of the society. Someone keeps his individuality and then the world tries to pull on to it and make it a way ruining many other’s individuality and the essence of their character altogether. The world goes on but the broken dreams are there, kept, sealed and reserved forever in disguise. They are kept to be brooded on later. Some write letters to God and some seek the divinity in the ocean bed, however, nobody searches their own heart, the only original thing inside themselves. I decide to take my own way and not confirm anymore. It has been a long time or it never just happened before that I was myself.
I cried in my childhood to get attention, I might not be in a mood to cry though, I smiled later on to see other smile at me and cuddle me for that. I did what all others actually demanded, for just a little kiss, or a cuddling or pampering but never did I try to get my own love and never did I get satisfied with my own love for me. I made myself such an unwanted and undignified human being in front of self and I expected dignity and respect from all others outside myself. Unlike the conventional, I stand as an unconventional soul confirming to myself and my dreams. I stand firm and stern to create my life on my demand and crave for my love. I don’t want to struggle to love someone else but I want to die for myself. On my own self I want to shower the drops of love and care. I know, people outside might think I am being selfish beyond boundaries but today I don’t care and I really don’t care. I have risen above all those thoughts and I want to rise even above these all to my peak. I know I will achieve one day what my heart asks me to, for now I will follow only my heart and nothing else.
We all talk about love with a lot of fantasy, however, why can’t we talk about loving ourselves with so much of fantasy! I wonder, almost often how can someone who is bereaved himself uplift other souls to be enchanted by happiness! It always starts with oneself and then it spreads; just like the drop of ink on a blotting paper. To my amazement people talk of selfless love and I wonder even more; how can this possibly mean! I am selfish, and I accept it to the end and I am happy that I am; I’m happy that I think of myself as well as others. I feel only when I am secure that I can make someone else feel secure. The way, my actions speak louder than my words, the same way my soul reflects me better than my heart and my soul is completely mine. My eyes will seem to deceive if I don’t love myself and try to love someone else.
My eyes speak it all as the eyes of the mute animals and the mute sculpture and the whistling of the leaves of the trees.
I know that my silence expresses my feelings better than my words… I want to be led by fantasy frantically, but for myself, to love myself and to get myself all the pleasure in the world. I want to experience my company before I could experience somebody else’s! so, I need a lot of space and a lot of time for myself and I don’t want any relationship to intervene in that. And I feel this will be injustice for you and I feel sorry to break your heart but I want to shape my heart first. Thank you for the time that we spent.”
To this, he asked struck with awe, “If ever you get tired of searching yourself, I will be here.”
She replied with an amazed smile, “Well, I might, but then also I would like to be with someone who can let me be myself and rather help me explore myself more. Thank you.”
He smiled and said, “Try me once… I will wait, just to see the real you and I bet I will love you even more and forever! You are so different that makes me fall in love with you again and again!”
She was surprised but went ahead with a smiling nod in her quest!!