Five years ago, when my boyfriend broke up with me, it felt like the world came crashing down. It felt as if, I was void of feeling anything in the world. We had been dating merely 2 months but the pain that my first breakup gave me still wakes me up in the middle of the night. Everyone around me is perplexed and they feel I need therapy. I keep on telling them its not so bad but honestly? It’s the worst thing I have felt I guess. Everyday since then, I have wanted to share the reason behind this but every time I think about it, the silent questions that people have in their eyes they start screaming inside my head, “this girl is crazy”, “why doesn’t she go to a therapist?” “Did something tragic happen in her life?” . Today I ignore those voices that hold me back as I attempt to explain everything that I feel.
Has it ever happened to you as a kid , you wake up in the morning, you see your dad is home from a trip with an amazing present for you? Five years ago, the november felt like that, the time when he started talking to me in the class. Before that , we were both invisible to each other. In fact I was invisible to everybody. He had been absent in the classes being busy preparing a dance for the annual function in the school. I am sitting in the physics class and he appears beside me and says , “have you completed your notes? I need your notebook for a day” . I just reply with a nod and hand him the notebook. He goes back to his seat. Next day he comes up to me as I enter the class, passing me the notebook he says thank you and walks back to his group. I do the same and go to my friends. The next thing I know he is smiling at me from there. Being courteous, I smile back. We start saying hello to each other every morning with a smile. Its normal for him because he is like that with everyone. For me on the other side , it felt like I was finally being noticed in the world. It changed everything. After a week or so, he asks me to teach him a topic which he wasn’t able to understand. I agree and he comes and sits with me , I feel so conscious the whole time but the girl inside me can’t stop smiling. Now since we are friends, he starts sitting with me in classes now, asking me for help on certain topics now and then . My days pass by in anticipation of sitting with him the next day. One day , he has a doubt which I can’t clear in the class, he asks for my number, I am soaring high in the sky but there is a problem, I don’t have a personal phone. Anyways, I give my mom’s second number. I go home and the first thing I do, is ask mom for a personal phone, i shout and fight until she agrees to give me the spare phone. I wait impatiently for the call , planning on what all to talk about. After about an hour sitting with the phone in my hand , it rings. I pickup and say hi in excitement , he starts asking questions, I answer and wait for it to be over soon so that I can talk about something else. When it finally gets over, he hangs up saying his mom is calling, he can’t talk. I get sad for obvious reasons and sulk in my room. At midnight, the phone rings again, I check the phone, its him. My mom shouts who is calling so late at night? I say its Vodafone and cut the call, I text him,asking whats the matter? He replies back saying he couldn’t talk earlier so he called to talk. I text back telling him about my mom. He says he is getting bored and asks if I can talk on texts. Although I am sleepy as hell, but I can’t miss this chance, so i tuck my head inside the blanket with the phone and start talking about our interests, hobbies, truth and dare and all the stuff you can imagine teens talking about. I write and delete , thinking what would sound interesting. We talk for 2 hours almost, I wish him goodnight hesitating whether to add a kissing emoji in the end, he texts instead , a good night with the ,three hearts. My heart inflates seeing the hearts and I send the same text back. The next morning we are talking like best friends, it feels amazing, i stop myself from hugging him a dozen times. This goes on for days, sitting with him in the class , texting at nights. The feeling is nothing like I can express. He is the centre of my world, and for once I am the centre of someone’s world. I start flirting , and the amazing part is I didn’t even know that part of me existed. Every time he says something remotely close to flirting, I blush red. In school, I start hanging out with him all the time. I can’t even look at anything else when he is around. I wait for him every day to come and sit with me. In breaks I sit with him in the amphitheatre. I feel so happy when I see people looking at us. I can’t explain what it feels like to be noticed, to be with him. We exchange messages on notebooks in between the classes. My first bunk in school, I am with him in an empty classroom just talking and I can’t stop telling my best friend all about him. One such day, I am walking around with him and one of his friends and she suddenly says something about him being my brother. I don’t know what exactly I expected from him,but he just laughs, there’s no protest from his side. And I? I feel rejected,I feel like i have been punched hard and as if something has been snatched away from me but I say nothing, I just leave them talking saying goodbye. I reach home and go to sleep as I feel its the only thing that could keep all the sadness off my mind………….
To be continued in the next part……….