Storieo

Tag: Love Story

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 13

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 13

    *Rachel’s Point of View*

    I woke up being cuddled next to Luke, his  warm body next to mine, giving me a million feelings as I recalled memories of last night. We had finally taken our relationship to the last level of giving each other ourselves completely. I always thought it was cringe of people to think this way about someone but Luke Hemmings had got that out of me, since he’s the person I truly adore and love.

    I ran my fingers around his face memorizing all the features again and smiling to myself. My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing as I reached out to answer it.

    “Hey, dad!” I cheerfully greeted as I answered it.

    “Rachel, I need your help,” he replied in a very serious tone.

    “What happened? Is everything okay?” I asked in a worried tone.

    “Your brother met with an accident and he can go to coma because of blood loss, we don’t have enough money for his operation, can you please help me?” he explained in a shaky voice.

    “What?! How the heck did that happen?” I asked in disbelief, “Dad, how much do you need? I have to pay for my studies too,” I trailed off.

    “He was driving ruthlessly!” he yelled on the other side of the phone, “how much do you have right now?”

    “I have a few savings and this month’s salary, I practically used all of it,” I reply hating myself for making such unreasonable expenses this year.

    “I don’t think that’s enough, Rachel, please do something! Please,” the pain in his voice startled me, I felt like crying because I was so helpless at that moment, “I’m begging you, please,”

    “Dad..” I almost tear up, “Please start the operation or whatever is needed, I’ll do.something,” I assured as I disconnected the call. I felt so stupid and irrational for making a promise that I knew I wasn’t capable of fulfilling, but I didn’t know what to do at that time.

    I felt Luke fidgeting and I tried to smile, I wasn’t going to let him know, I couldn’t let my problems be a burden to him.

    “Morning,” he grinned at me.

    “Good morning,” I replied back.

    “I don’t feel like getting out of bed,” he mumbled.

    “Well, I will have to, management meeting,” I answered.

    “I’m gonna miss you….why can’t you be on a break too?” he pouted.

    “Stop being such a baby and let me go,” I simply said.

    “Without giving me a kiss?” he frowned.

    “You haven’t even brushed your teeth, go away,” I chuckled.

    “Okay okay, get ready. I’ll wait for you down,” he smiled and pecked my nose.

    I finally stepped out of bed, feeling really really guilty and bad, I can’t believe my dad asked me for help once in his entire life and I could not even do that for him. It sucked to know you’re such a failure. I got in the shower with all sorts of thoughts, how was I so helpless? Why did I use that money on getting this house with Luke, why couldn’t I just save? Me and Luke moved in together because I couldn’t buy a house on my own, or stay on rent. Well, I could stay on rent but Luke wasn’t okay with me sharing a house with someone, protective boyfriends I tell you. So we made a deal of getting our own flat. It wasn’t anything too huge because my contribution was really less, which made me feel like a loser again. And on the other side, I didn’t even think getting a huge apartment would make sense because we weren’t going to be in England forever. It was only for breaks. The boys were in Europe now, continuing their European tour. They had a break for two weeks before getting started. Michael, Ashton and Calum lived together in the apartment below us. I did not really want to live with 4 guys, and Luke understood that so we got another apartment for just ourselves. Luke mostly spent his time there, or may I say “down”. It was cute to see their bonding. It was especially cute to see this side of Luke. Maybe he was right, he did give me a reason which made me forget all my hatred towards him. That reason was his unknown side, his tender touch, his warm hugs and his affectionate kisses. I shook my head and laughed softly how I always ended up thinking about Luke, no matter what I was doing.

    I got out of shower and changed into a white shirt on black jeans, and simply combed my hair, I did some smoky eye makeup because eye makeup was my favorite thing and I would never step out of my house without applying something on my eyelids. Its just how it went.

    I went downstairs and entered the house without even bothering to knock because the door was open and that was just an open invitation itself, I saw Luke sitting on the dining table and I walked up to him and sat down next to him, I quickly took a glass of milk and some bread with cheese showing signs of how hungry I was. I heard Luke chuckle next to me, I turned to him, “what?” I asked my face stuffed with food.

    “You’re adorable,” he simply said and kissed my forehead.

    “Have you brushed your teeth yet?” I asked him as I gulped the bread in and grabbed my glass of milk.

    “Yup,” he smirked getting my drift, “Drink faster,” he hurried.

    I did the same and wiped my face with the cloth, “okay,” I stood up and walked towards his chair and sat on his lap, “can you drop me to the office?” I asked him.

    “Sure,” he furrowed his eyebrows and walked toward me. I just hugged him. He hugged me back, I wanted more of that hug. I was having a bad time and all I wanted was Luke. I hugged him for what felt like years. I broke the hug after several minutes and said, “we’ll be late, lets go?” I ask.

    “Sure,” he got up and grabbed the keys of his car.

    The entire car ride was silent, I was just sitting and hoping how they could give me some money in advance, or my entire salary right now and not next month. I anyhow had to convince them about it, I was the one who could save my brother. I had asked dad to admit him already and start the operation and now I had just today’s evening to arrange some amount of money.

    “Rachel,” Luke’s voice got me back to reality, “we reached?” he spoke.

    “Uh, yes, thanks,” I manage to choke out.

    “What’s wrong?” he asked.

    “Nothing,” I kissed his cheek and got out of the car in a swift moment so that he wouldn’t ask me any more questions. But for a fact I knew that he was aware something was wrong with me, and I did not want to tell him what it was, I couldn’t just take another favor from him, my ego was too big for that.

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 12.

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 12.

    *Rachel’s Point of View*

    I did not really speak to Luke at all after the day he said I don’t know myself. I felt anticipated about our future, our relationship. I know our relationship had a lot in store for us, but I wasn’t sure about how I would take in all of that. The list of why I shouldn’t date Luke was just getting more and more reasons, I really wished I’d stop doing that but I knew for a fact that I was acting too out of control for anything. I made Luke go insane and frustrated for about almost everything. It really sucked for me but that was how I am during relationships. Lost, scared, unsure. I never knew I was like that, but what I am, I am.

    “You okay?” Malcolm knocked at my desk pulling me out of my thoughts.

    “Fine,” I replied, “why?” I asked him.

    “You and Luke…” he trailed off, “offer me to have a seat,” he mocked.

    “Take a hint, I’m preparing next weeks schedule, go away,” I mocked him back.

    “Whatever,” he mumbled taking a seat next to me, “So you and Luke, what the fuck is up with you guys?”

    “I don’t know, Mal, its just,” I sighed, “I’m scared.” I admitted.

    “Why?”

    “Because…I don’t know, I don’t know a thing about him,” I said, annoyed.

    “You’re saying this because you met our friends, right?” He asked.

    “Yeah, like… you guys know so much about each other, and just.” I replied.

    “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, we’ve forgotten so much about each other, it doesn’t even matter, but people will never forget how you made them feel and you make Luke feel so much better, so much happier, can you not see that?”

    “I can, he makes me feel really wonderful too, but relationships don’t always last like that,”

    “Well, Rachel, you’re wrong. I know I’m not the genius and I don’t know shit about relationships, but its all about feelings, man. Its all about you feel more than what you know. Who the hell cares if he likes Pizza over Pasta, what matters is, he is willing to eat Pasta when he’s with you because you make him feel good, you make these little things don’t matter to him.”

    “You’re right, but he’s 17. I’m 19. By the time he turns 18, I’ll be 20. It will suck so much, he’ll be a teen when I’m 20, do you know how many problems we’re gonna have?”

    “That doesn’t matter, you know you love him, right? Of course you do! And stop looking for reasons how you shouldn’t hurt him, that only ends up hurting him more, dammit.” He snapped.

    “Why are you here?” I asked him.

    “To make a dumb person like you realize that my best friend is madly in love with you and so are you, so go kiss him and be with him!” He replied, agitated.

    “Its easy to say,” I replied, calmly this time, “the fans hate the fact that we’re together,”

    “You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks, Rachel. The fans won’t like anyone, let it be you or the goddess – Katy Perry. They’re gonna be mean and rude and hateful towards all of them,” he replied, just as calm.

    The thing with Michael was, he would get worked up when the person he is talking to get worked up, he’s in this entire process of imitation, which wasn’t generally annoying, but sort of cute.

    “I love him, I love everything about him, I’m just scared,” I admitted.

    “Don’t be, he won’t eat you,” he chuckled as he thought about the dirty side of his statement, “look, Rachel, Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light, and I don’t know where the fuck I’m getting all of this, but this Luke, he doesn’t open up. Please don’t run away, he’s opened up quite a lot with you, trust me, he likes you. He loves you. He’s been terribly sick without you, you make him happy. And happy Luke is very rare, I don’t want him to lose this, positive light in his life. All you need to know is he loves you and you love him, nothing else matters.”He assured me.

    “You’re the best, Malcolm,” I smiled.

    “Or so I’ve been told,” he shrugged, “that was literally so hard, I actually memorized all of that,” he chuckled.

    “You’re so lame,” I laughed.

    ***

    “Luke?” I called out as I entered their bus.

    “He’s in his bunk,” Caleb told me, “you guys are fighting?” he asked.

    “No, we aren’t,” I smiled.

    I went up to his bunk and pulled the curtain out, he was laying there, aimlessly srtaring at practically the empty space above him, he flinched and looked at me and gave me a sad smile, “do we have to go somewhere?” he asked.

    “No,” I said simply, as I climbed into his bunk and layed next to him, “I wanted to see you,” I smiled.

    “Oh,” he turned over facing me, “hi.” he whispered.

    “Hey,” I replied, “I was thinking about us,”

    “Me too,” he coaxed.

    “Yeah? What were you thinking?” I asked.

    “That we’re two crazy people playing with fire,”

    “That’s right,” I chuckled and hugged him, then rested my head on his chest, “but we’re also two crazy people in love,” I looked up and he smiled at me, that beautiful smile which would make me forget everything and just make me feel alright, as cringe as it sounds, I was in love.

    Because, I loved Luke and I was sure, this time.

    ——————————————–

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 11.

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 11.

    *Rachel’s Point of View*

    I was getting ready for the party one of the boys’ friend had held, it was more of a reunite party of all of their friends. Luke wanted me to join them which was kind of awkward for me because I did not even know any of them and it would be really weird to tag along but since he insisted, I agreed. I didn’t wear something too short to get a bad reputation in front of them neither did I wear something too long because they’d think I’m boring and crazy, not like their opinion mattered to me, but it mattered to Luke and Luke was important to me.

    As I was walking towards the boys I heard someone call my name, “Rachel?”

    I turned around to see Lisa standing there, yikes, “yeah?” I tried to over smile at her this time remembering her comment about it earlier.

    “So… you’re dating Luke?” She raised her eyebrow at me.

    “Yeah,”

    “You know, he’s bad news,” she replied. I knew what she was doing. She was just a typical ex girlfriend who could never see her ex boyfriend happy with anyone else, she the type of girls I hate with everything I have in me.

    “Well, I’m no less than a bad news myself, so we will manage it,” I told her.

    “Well,” she shrugged, “just advising,”

    “Thanks,” I replied, “can I ask you something?”

    “Why me and Luke broke up?” she smiled.

    “Yeah, I mean if you don’t mind,”

    “Of course I don’t. I’m kind of over it,” she started, “you know me and Luke were together for almost a year, and later I started realizing how I don’t know anything about him, how it was only me giving in our relationship, exposing myself to him when he did nothing,” she finished.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said sincerely.

    “Its fine,” she smiled again, “see you at the party,” she said and walked away.

    I knew it shouldn’t bother me because Luke had changed and I knew a lot of stuff about him, but after talking to Lisa, it just felt…different. It could be how I’m the only one giving myself to him while he’s being all reserved, I shouldn’t have asked Lisa about it, I wondered. But Luke had said Lisa fucked him up but Lisa’s story is way too different, I should just stop thinking.

    It wouldn’t get me anywhere. I reached their bus and knocked, hoping they were already ready because I didn’t really want to wait. I needed alcohol to get over my thoughts. Luke opened the door and flashed me a smile, they were all ready, thank god, he got down and kissed me, “ready?” he asked as he pulled away.

    “Yeah,” I smiled at him trying to hide all my insecurities.

    “I hope you like my friends,” he kissed my cheek.

    I bit on my lower lip, already nervous, “I hope they like me,” I replied.

    “They will, you’re like perfect,” he held my hand and interwined our fingers, “lets go,” he smiled as we walked with the rest of the boys.

    ***

    “And there was this time when Luke mistakenly slipped in the pool when he was supposed to push Michael!” Chloe snickered as everyone laughed.

    We were sitting with all of Luke’s friends, Luke was sitting beside me, his arms around my waist, his friends were cool but I learned how they were all so protective about him and the way they were judging me was really disgusting.

    “That’s really stupid,” I laughed at Luke too as I turned to his embarrassed red face and kissed him, “you seemed like the cutest kid,” I said as I kissed his nose.

    “Yeah he was,” Chloe interrupted us, “and me and Luke have been best friends since forever. I know everything about him, from his first kiss to his first relationship to his prom suit to the first time he cried, everything,” she said proudly.

    I just nodded, she then asked, “what do you know about him?”

    My breath stopped for a minute, what did I know about Luke? I only knew things about him because they were related to my job. Did I know anything about him other than that? And even if I did know things, I surely forgot them because of my anxiety. Before I could answer, Luke interrupted us, “She knows that she loves me,”

    “Yeah…” I trailed off.

    “You guys are so cringe,” Jackson, one of Luke’s friend, of course, replied.

    “Lets dance?” Calum got up, bless him because I really didn’t want to sit here anymore.

    We all agreed and got up, Luke dragged me with him and got me to the center of the club, he giggled and started dancing with me, something about this did not feel right, especially because I was feeling so many things, I was confused about me and Luke, I couldn’t even think straight.

    “Are you okay?” he whispered in my ear.

    “Yeah, I’m fine, just tired,” I lied.

    “You want to go back?” he looked at me with concern, “fuck, are you okay?” he asked me seeing how.stressed I look.

    “Can we go back, please?” I begged him.

    “Yes,” he nodded, “lets go, I’ll carry you if you want,”

    “No, its alright,”

    We both dragged ourselves out of the loud music, Luke informed the boys that I wasn’t feeling well and so we were leaving, they were too busy having fun so we did not really wait for their response, we walked up to the parking and Luke sat in the car and I followed his actions.

    “Are you fine now?” He asked me as he started the car.

    “Better…” I trailed off.

    After that nobody spoke, we were both quiet. He concentrated on the road while I just kept over thinking, how true was it? I did not know him as much as others did. How could I say that I love him? Was I even good enough for him? I had never cared to ask him about himself, I hardly knew anything about his past, it sucked that people who weren’t this close to him, girls who aren’t his goddamn girlfriend knew him more than me.

    We arrived at our place and he parked the car, we got inside the bus and I grabbed one of his sweatshirt to change into because my clothes were in the management’s tour bus.

    “You’ve been awfully quiet this whole time,” he finally said.

    “Sorry,” I simply replied.

    “I mean, what’s up? I’m worried,” he said.

    “Its nothing,” I replied.

    “Rachel,” he sighed and pulled me closer to him, “please tell me,”

    “I don’t know!” I snapped at him, “I don’t know anything! Everyone else knows you better than me!”

    “They don’t know me like you do,” he replied calmly.

    “Yeah,” I mocked him, “like what? I don’t know anything. I’m just… How can we be together when everyone around me knows you better!”

    “Because I love you, not them” he said as he fixed a strand of my hair behind my ear.

    “Luke…” I sighed and looked away, “this is not how it works, everyone there, everything there just made me realize how little I know you,”

    “Rachel, cmon,” he sighed too, “We will get to know each other, we already do know things about each other, its not like we’re totally unaware,” he tries to make me understand.

    I was too caught up in the moment, I pushed him away, “I don’t know,” I replied.

    “You know what I told Chole at the party right? That you know you love me,” he paused, “do you?”

    I stood there, not moving or looking at him, I froze. I didn’t know what to say or how to react.

    “Well,” he let out a small laugh, “that says a lot,” he was hurt, anyone would be, “You can’t even look me in the eye and tell me you love me, its not me who you don’t know Rachel, its yourself,”

    I was taken aback, it was like I fell in depths of a never ending valley, he said it so simply as if it wasn’t a big deal, but it changed my entire perspective, I knew myself. I knew myself very well, it was him I didn’t know. It was pretty clear.

    “Its too late, lets sleep,” he finally said and walked to the gaming room, leaving me with my thoughts all alone once again.

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 9.

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 9.

    *Rachel’s Point of view*

    “Luke, I have to go out and meet Lexie!” I yelled as I was sitting on the chair while he was dying my hair, I mean, helping me.

    “Your dye will take time!” he snapped.

    “But, Luke, I have a job” I kissed his nose by arching my back up at him.

    “What job?” he smirked, “you’re my damsel?”

    “Yuck,” I gagged at him.

    He rolled his eyes, “I don’t know why I feel like we’re different, I guess I have never loved someone..” he trailed off.

    “What do you mean?” I asked him, interested to hear him opening up about himself.

    “I had a girlfriend..” he started.

    “You’ve had like so many of them,” I replied.

    “No, no, this one was serious. Like, the first girlfriend,” he corrected me.

    “Oh,” I replied, knowing who he was talking about. Everyone knew her because Luke was so not over her and we were asked to not talk about her.

    “Yeah, like she was a mess, she kind of broke me,” he spoke in a low voice.

    “First love is always bad,” I said.

    “I know and after that its just been this way, you know? I never really took interest in knowing anyone. If I ever met a girl, it was just to flirt around,” he took a deep breath, “but with you its so different. I actually love talking to you, so much. I love laying beside you, hearing you breathe when you’re asleep. I don’t feel the need to tell you nice or sweet things so you end up in bed with me. I’m just myself with you,” he finally pour his feelings out.

    Me and Luke had been in a relationship for a month but we never really spoke about how we felt, it was more of just hanging out, falling asleep, watching movies and cuddling. It was the first time he had actually given me an account of how he really feels about me and I couldn’t help but smile, because I knew that I felt the same things for him and it was almost like a relief that I wasn’t the only one feeling so much for him when he wasn’t.

    “Luke, I really feel the same,” I started, “you know I had always thought how you weren’t good enough for me, but when we started dating I was exposed to a different side of you, a side I had never expected you to have. And I realized how I was the trouble maker and you weren’t. I have learned so much about you, from what you like at breakfast to how ironed do you want your clothes to be and I don’t want to stop. I want to know you more and more and fall in depths with whoever and however you are,”

    He smiled at me, this time it was more sincere and genuine, like I had never expected. It was smooth, he gave me time to adjust and then moved in rhythm with me. I was almost getting lost and involved in him, I wanted him, I needed him. He supported my back with his strong arms so I was totally laying comfortably on him, he kissed  my forehead. He stared into my eyes, “you’re so beautiful, you drive me crazy,” he mumbled.

    I lay my head on his chest, more cuddled this time, hearing his heart beat gave me jitters in my stomach. I never thought I fall in love with a guy younger to me, maybe that said a lot about my maturity. Because to be honest, I wasn’t much of a mature person too. At least not in love. I was immature and needy and annoying. It was almost abnormal how I start wanting more and more of the person I’m in love with. It wasn’t the mature love and I wasn’t sorry about it, because it was who I was. And I felt Luke could handle me because somewhere, he was a little abnormal too when it came to love, he was needy too and he was annoying, too. And when two needy people end up being together, I don’t think they would make each other feel needy, ever. But that’s what I thought, anyway. It doesn’t have to be true and I did not really care if it was false.

    “I feel we are going to get married,” Luke said, breaking the silence.

    “What?” I laughed at his cuteness.

    “I don’t know what I’m talking! But we’ll name our girl as Christine, okay?” he looked down at me and pecked my lips.

    “What if its a boy?” I asked him.

    “His name would be Davis,”

    “That sounds weird,”

    “Shut up!” he snapped at me.

    “Okay, okay,” I chuckled, “Now, leave I have to shower!” I say.

    As he gets up to leave, he stops and says, “hey,” he turned at me and held me in his arms, “after this little conversation, I think I’m sure that I love you.”

    I smiled at him, “I think I’m sure that I love you, too.”

    ———————————

    As I was about to get out of the bathroom with my new red and purple hair, I heard Malcolm talking about something so I stood there, because I couldn’t enter the room with just a towel around me because Luke wouldn’t like that, so I stood at the door waiting for him to go away.

    “Dude, Lisa is coming to the gig today,” Malcolm said with seriousness in his voice.

    Lisa was Luke’s ex girlfriend, I assumed because they always paired them as double L’s.

    “What the heck?” Luke replied, “how? Why does she even wanna come!”

    “I don’t know, I saw it on an update account. She posted a selfie with a ticket. I think she has meet and greet passes too?” Malcolm explained.

    “Ugh!” Luke sighed, “I don’t wanna see her face! And meet and greet? She’s totally gonna make a scene in front of Rachel!”

    “Don’t worry, we’ll handle it. I was just saying so you know, you’ll kind of act accordingly,”

    “Okay, thanks” Luke said, “Rachel shouldn’t know she’s coming, though,”

    “Of course!” Malcolm said and walked out.

    I was confused at him not telling me, was he hiding something that happened between them or was he just embarrassed about the way I acted last time at him staring at that girl’s legs. Most of all, Was Luke even over Lisa or he still had feelings for her?

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 8.

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 8.

    *Rachel’s Point of View*

    I woke up with a massive headache, I couldn’t even open my eyes for a minute. I shook myself awake, and realized that I was in Luke’s bunk, I sat up, supporting my back on the pillow, retrieving all the incidents from the night, and how I had taken a good case of all of those girls who tried to hurt me and laughed mentally at how much of a violent person I was.

    I called out for Luke and noticed how he had changed for me, I was in one of his sweaters and those smelled great, I smiled at the thought of him changing for me, and I recalled how stressed he had gotten when he saw me fighting with those girls.

    “Rachel!” He came in the bunk and sat beside me, “why did you fight with those girls?”

    It kind of hurt that he was so bothered about why I fought and not how I was feeling.

    “They said I sleep around and you cheat on me everyday,” I simply replied.

    “So?” he said, being as insensitive as ever, “doesn’t mean you hit them!”

    “They started hitting me first!” I snapped, “and if you can’t stand up for me, I’ll make sure to stand up for myself.”

    “What do you mean? Rachel, those are my fans!”

    “And I’m like your girlfriend,” I yelled at him, “oh, wait, of course not because we aren’t in a relationship,” I re-framed my sentence sarcastically.

    “Just shut up!” He yelled back, “do you know how much of a drama you have caused on twitter?”

    “I don’t care! If someone says rude things about me and tries to hurt me, I will hurt them back!”

    “You’re ridiculous, seriously, I was on the way! I would have sorted it!”

    “No!” I protested, “you would have yelled at me, you wouldn’t even care!”

    “The fact that you’re getting so defensive over what they said makes it seem like how you may be like that!” he said as he widen his eyes, clearly, he regretted saying it.

    “Oh, you think I am like that?” I was hurt, his opinion did matter to me and the fact that he just said such a thing made me feel sick, “or you thought how it may be true that you cheat on me everyday?”

    “Rachel!” He yelled at me, “Well, you had a thing with Malcolm!”

    “He’s the only guy I’ve been around without feelings, unlike you!” I yelled back, “Stop yelling at me!”

    “Well you’re yelling at me!”

    “Only because you’re yelling at me!”

    “Just shut up!”

    “You shut up! You can’t take a stand for the girl you’re going out, shame on you, Luke! I shouldn’t have been around an 18 year old after all!”

    “Right!” He came closer to me, “if you really want me to take a stand for you, be my girlfriend! Get in a relationship with me! Love me! Stay with me!”

    I stopped yelling and calmed down and he did too, realizing what he had just said.

    “I’m sick!” He continued, “I’m sick of fighting everyday. Would you try it out with me?”

    “Luke, I-”

    “Its okay, I’m an 18 year old, anyway” he mocked my tone.

    “No, Luke, I was scared you’d never ask! I’m fighting and craving for you and your attention too… I think we should try it.”

    “I love you, Rachel”

    “I love you, too, Luke,” I said to him.

    ***

  • Love at First Touch

    Love at First Touch

    Selena did not find her love in the hills of daffodils neither it is a love at first sight. It is more than just any love story for her. She is not even sure that the person she loves also loves her back as she barely knows her. Dilemma and her conservative society restrict her to think about her love. She is even afraid to dream about even falling in love. In her society it is considered as a heinous crime and she being an obedient girl, cannot commit a crime. For her the values of her family are a priority and going against their value is not in her genes. She is wrapped up in a fear of isolation and shunning from her own family and society.

    The day Selena fell in love…

    It is a perfect day to not to come out of the house and pollute yourself with dirt and mud. However, things go out of your hands and make you do unavoidable things at unavoidable time in life. Selena has to leave her house in the darkest of the days as no excuses are accepted at her position. It is raining outside and there is puddle everywhere. There is mud and castles of mud building everywhere on the road. She has to cross everything and to take an auto. Her mother is worried whether she will be able to reach the college on time or not and without getting dirty. Selena is receiving calls every minute as she is the vice president of her department and an important meeting is going happen in the college premises. She even has to speak and represent her department in front of the principal of the college as the president of her department is out of station.

    Somehow she reaches the auto stand however, all wet and dirty and covered in mud and sand. She reaches the metro station without much of trouble after sitting in the auto. She enters the metro station and while she is climbing the stairs to board the metro a strange things happens to her. Another girl is climbing stairs with her. However, Selena does not pay much attention to it and climbs the stairs. The girl stands next to Selena and when metro arrived, they both boarded the metro at the same time. When they were entering the metro that girl’s hand and body touches Selena. Selena have never in her life felt something similar. She feels like it is love at first touch. It is weird coming from a girl’s mouth, but such things do happen and exist in this society.

    That girl’s hand is so soft and subtle that she forgets the surrounding and focuses on her alone. Selena’s eyes are moving in the direction of that girl’s movement. They have an eye contact and the chemistry says it all. The air around them changes and their eyes are saying more than they will ever say. The resistance and apologetic mindset to love the same sex is there. However, they are lost that are unable to notice that Selena has to get down at the following station. Selena’s phone starts ringing after such a long gap. She has to come back to the real world and understand that she has to get down at the next station. They look at each other for the one last time and bid goodbye from their eyes. There is certain undefined energy which is holding them together.

    She gets off at her station and leaves her new found love in the metro. Everything is flashing in front of her eyes and she can clearly make out that her future is full of problems and cons. She cannot think of any pro in her love and any further decision to make. She reaches the college a little late than usual. She attends the meeting and everything goes well. After the meeting, her friends ask her to go out and have lunch. She refuses and goes home directly. She is hoping to that girl again. However, nothing happens as she was hoping to happen.

    She reaches the home and day dreaming about that girl and her together. She has already planned everything and moving fast in her thinking. When suddenly it seems hollow as they are girls and they cannot live together in this society. Each day she misses that girl and fall more for her. However, lesbian love is banned and all her dreams are shattered. She can only dream and love her in her dreams.

  • Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 3.

    Running Out of Reasons – Chapter 3.

    *Rachel’s Point of View*

    “Wake the boys up if they aren’t up already, they have an interview at 12,” Lexie ordered.

    Lexie was the head of our team, she would supervise me and let me know everything I have to do and correct me if I went wrong, she was a bit strict but she was the only one to keep me going.

    “Yeah, I was just going to,” I replied and she smiled.

    “Okay, I’ll get their breakfast ready,” she said and walked out.

    I walked up to Malcolm and Ashton’s room and just hoped they were awake, I mean, Ashton would be awake because he was more of a morning person. But Malcolm was especially annoying in mornings. He was annoying all the time but a bit too annoying in the mornings.

    I knocked their door and Ashton opened it, thank god, he gave me a smile and greeted me, “morning punk” he said.

    I rolled my eyes at him and his new weird nicknames for everybody everyday. I don’t even know how he was able to come up weird nicknames for everyone. “Morning,” I smiled back at him, “Malcolm?” I asked him.

    “Hmm, he’s in the shower,” he replied.

    “Oh good!” I said, “after he’s done, go down for breakfast and I’ll tell you about your schedule,” I explained.

    “Sure, see ya then,” he said, a bit excited to know about the day.

    No matter how rude or immature or stupid these guys were, they loved their jobs. And they surely loved their fans, even if they’re going somewhere and they get mobbed, I hardly see them complaining. Its almost as if they were happy that so many people want to see them, meet them. When they spoke about their fans, they get so protective. It was cute and funny because Ashton would really go out of his way and shade those who insult their fans, it was really amazing. I mean, how many celebrities do you find like these? Who are actually thankful to their fans and love them truly.

    “Rachel?” Ashton snapped his fingers and got me back to reality.

    “Uh, yes, see you!” I finally said and got out of there.

    Caleb and Luke. Uh, the most annoying and most immature ones. They were always late. Always. They would always sleep late, specially the day we had practices or interviews or morning performances and then get late. And they were so rude because all they would do is put the blame on me and how I did not inform them, it was really stupid and mean, but I didn’t mind them because everyone in the team knows how they’re all still kids.

    Their door was open and so I thought maybe they were awake and ready and I didn’t have to knock, right? I mean, the door was open and that was like a free invitation for everyone to go in.

    I entered the room and the first thing I saw Luke Simons’ huge body, he was bending down and searching for something. And he had nothing but a pant on. No t-shirt.

    “Shit!” I mumbled as I covered my eyes, but I did not entirely cover it because I wanted to see his shameless reaction of me seeing him in an underwear.

    He flinched and turn behind, he was embarrassed and blushing, “What the hell! Couldn’t you knock?” he stood there not knowing what to do.

    “Couldn’t you shut your door?” I said as I turned the other way round so I couldn’t see him.

    “Wait, I was searching for a towel, stand like that! Don’t move!” He panicked out of embarrassment.

    I assumed that he finally grabbed a towel and was settled with having it around his upper body, “what happened?” he finally asked.

    “You’ve got a good body,” I joked as I turned to him.

    He was blushing out of embarrassment and I couldn’t deny how it was so cute. It was adorable, “anyway,” I continued, “get ready and come down for breakfast.”

    “Okay,” he said, “by the way, you look really good today.”

    “You’re still not getting to date me,” I smirked, “but thanks.”

    “I don’t want to be your date, I want to be in your heart,” he grinned at me.

    “Clichè” I replied.

    “No, seriously! Don’t tell me I don’t look so perfect standing there in my branded pants,” he joked.

    “Whatever,” I rolled my eyes.

    “Stop doing that!” he snapped at me.

    “Rolling your eyes,”

    I rolled my eyes just to annoy him, “fine” I muttered.

    “But, seriously. If I wanted to have just wanted one date with you, I would have done that long back,” he said rather serious this time.

    “Let it go, Luke” I replied.

    I felt really bad but I wasn’t really in love with him, or liked him even a slightest bit, actually I hated him and I really want him to hate me back but it was so not happening.

    “Look, I’m serious! I’ve been watching love movies lately, I’ve been creeping on those ‘I love you’ accounts and those cringe blogs on tumblr, could this be love?” he batted his eyelashes at me.

    “Is there something in your eyes?” I asked, ruining his entire moment.

    “No,” be replied, “I was trying to be cute.”

    “Oh,” I said, “come down for breakfast when you’re done having a shower” I said as I walked out.

    I stopped at the door and turned to him, seeing his eyes longing to have me, “Luke ?” I called out.

    “Yeah?” he said suddenly getting out of his thoughts.

    “This is not love, this is obsession” I say to him.

    “Well, we might just be playing with lighting,” he raised his eyebrow at me.

    “I don’t want to be fired, so no, thank you,” I replied.

    “Well, good for me, I can still look at you and be around you,” he shrugged.

    Gosh, he was so weird, I thought to myself.

    “Anyway, we’re all waiting for you guys,” I said and left.

    Reason 4 to not date him: He was creepy.

  • Attached at The Heart

    Attached at The Heart

    Love can happen many times with different persons. True love happens many times but with the same person. Adrian, agonised by the breakup he recently initiated, tries to reconcile things with his girlfriend because he too fell in love many times with the same girl. 

     

    “There are no perfect couples. Need I say again? No couples are perfect.” Derek tried to put some sense in my head about my break-up with Mellisa.

    “But this ain’t about perfection buddy. She felt she was no more compatible with me. It was her choice.” I told him rising angrily from the chair.

    “Are you not sorry about this Adrian? After all the good times you guys had together, don’t you think it is immoral to leave her?”

    “Will you please shut that bloody words spilling from your mouth Derek! Don’t you dare tell me what is right and wrong and what is moral and immoral.” I blurted out in a fury and regretted immediately. Derek was my best friend. As a child, it was his name I learnt prior to mine. And damn me for using filthy words at him.

    As I turned at him with an apologetic look, he was already staring at me with a smile that beautifully hid his hurt. If there was a single person under the sun who’d never judge me, it was Derek.

    “So what’s up with that new girl you met on web? Positive?” he asked to lighten the chaotic situation I just created.

    “Yup! She is kind of interested in me, and so am I. We have planned to go on a date tomorrow. There must be something that will make me want to cling to her. I’ve got to figure it out.”

    “Don’t mess it up this time buddy” he whispered and lit a cigarette as we walked towards the car.

     

    I took a table in the corner. This is one of the restaurants I love to visit when I have none to accompany. It was not the cuisine but the ambience here that captivates me. The restaurant was on the sea shore that wasn’t cluttered with swimmers, walkers, dogs or other signs of life. But today I’m not alone. My new girlfriend Elena promised me for a date.

    As I waited for her, a girl with dark brown hair and red lips butted my thoughts as usual.

    Yeah, it was Mellisa, my ex-girlfriend. All these days I have warned my mind to reject her thoughts but it never seemed to oblige with me.

    Damn her! I’m technically dating another girl, yet in reality Mellisa’s thoughts seem to date me.

    Trying to clear off her thoughts, which evidently never bugged off, I patiently waited for my new girlfriend. She was already late by one hour. Her absence raced my thoughts back to Mellisa, in spite of the strong diversions I tried and failed to create.

     

    My first date with Mellisa flashed like a lightening on a stormy night. She was keen on keeping her word. That evening of our first date, I found her sitting serenely at the table waiting for me, while I was as usual late. She wasn’t sitting idle or wasn’t throwing envious looks at the beautiful girls around, but she seemed lost in the book she was reading.

    “I’ve been so caught up in the work and lost track of time. Sorry for the delay.” I told her and gave a brief hug.

    “Never mind. I’m with my bestie, so didn’t realize your delay” she said waving the book in the air and smiling. Oh gosh! Her smile. It was more beautiful than the pay check I just received. I fell for her smile.

    ‘What are you reading?’ has introduced me to many of my favorite books and favorite people. I asked her the same and she showed me the book briefing up what the book was about. I was so lost in staring at the seductive way her eyes rolled and the manner she waved her hands that I could hardly hear what she told. By the time she finished, I was clueless of what she told. Thank my stars! She made no discussion on what she just explained.

     

    A loud ring on my phone brought me back from my reverie. It was Elena, my new girlfriend on phone informing that the traffic was heavy and it would take 20 minutes to reach there, Clueless of how to vile away the time, I resumed my thoughts back to Mellisa. This time I did not fight to shun them, because I know I would definitely fail.

     

    My first date with Mel had no elements of romance unlike the romantic dates shown in movies and books.

    We talked about the things people tend to avoid when they’re trying to make a good impression: hopes subverted by mistakes, relationships sabotaged by shortcomings. The conversation ranged organically from books and theatre to politics and our personal histories. She seemed to have a clear opinion on everything she spoke. I can’t endorse the idea of ‘Love at first sight’ or ‘Love at first date’. But maybe there are moments when God or fate or some cosmic sense of humor rolls its eyes at two stammering human hearts and says,” Here you go. This is called love!”

    Yes, this is called love. I heard my heart whisper, ‘Mel, I love you, I still love you.’ She had such a tremendous influence on me that even her memories are enough to elevate or depress my mood.

    Elena rushed in through the door way and walked hurriedly towards me. We hugged each other and reclined back.

    “That was a deadly traffic. It took me forever to reach here.” Elena said taking my hand into hers. As she did so I noticed her appearance. Her dark black eyes are larger than Mellisa’s and her smile was prettier than Mellisa’s. As she sat down her short, skimpy dress travelled inches above the knees revealing her skin boldly, just enough to grab the audience. Mellisa never dressed so boldly. Hell, why am I still thinking of her, when my new beautiful girlfriend is right in front. My eyes adored Elena’s beauty, but my heart still strongly considered Mellisa is the beautiful girl in the world. I’m falling in love with Mel again. The bitter fact was that I never ceased loving her, I only ceased admitting it. Yes, Mel was all I  want, she was all I love.

    Watching my confused expressions Elena became slightly uncomfortable.

    “You look dull Adrian?” She asked.

    “Agonizingly dull, but don’t worry.”I said.

    Sliding her fingers through mine she said, “You can’t be dull when you’re on a date with a girl like me. May be one day you’ll remember how to have fun.”

    “May be one day you’ll forget.” I said, releasing my fingers and walked away towards the exit leaving Elena behind.

    Turning left into the steepy descending side street, I drove towards my house. I suddenly became aware of how my descent into this road, mirrored that sinking feeling my emotions were heaving with, after the breakup. As I pulled the car into the parking lot it started drizzling. I rushed inside the house with my heart still heavy of Mel’s thoughts. I didn’t care to kick off my shoes and remove my coat. I sat on the couch for hours together without any movement. I got up. I opened the curtains. Turned on the lights.  Outside there was a heavy downpour. I thought about her again. It’s never too late to admit one’s mistake. In fact, failure is the essence of success. I thought about it through. Am I lonely or am I in love? The catacomb-like feeling lifted. My brain breathed. I sighed heavily. What was that I want? As if I knew the answer I pulled out the phone and dialed to Derek.

    “Hello,” I heard Derek’s sleepy voice.

    “I know it’s silly on my part to ask this, Are you asleep?” I asked.

    “I was asleep till now. I’m not asleep now. So tell me is it about the date with Elena?”

    “It didn’t really go well Derek. And I’m glad about it. You know, my meeting with Elena made me realize what I really want and who I really want. Simply put, I’m pretty sure that I still love Mel and I’m going to her place now.”

    “It’s half past 12 in the midnight man. I don’t think it’s ideal to meet her now.”

    “I know, but I have no choice. I can’t go even a minute with this heavy heart. I’m going to reconcile things with Mel.

    “Don’t be hasty Adrian. She is not that easy to get and don’t forget there’s just no way she’s going to accept less. But give it a try man. It’s worth it.”

    It was raining heavily. I came out of the flat and drove towards Mel’s place.

    I know right now she might be asleep with a child like calmness on her face which I always loved to stare at. This stormy night reminded me of the best day of my life. The day I gave her the first kiss was when it was raining. I still remember how I had pulled her away from her friends to a more secret space. It was the most wonderful day of my life – standing in front of the girl I loved, and dreaming of spending the rest of my life with her.

     

    I reached her placed. It seemed so familiar. I stood in front of her door. Bringing all the lost courage, I rang the door bell. The door opened almost immediately and there stood my girl who I hurt and abandoned a couple of months ago. That very moment I wanted to have her in my arms and tell how much I missed her. But I fought that urge, as I didn’t want to mess up things again.

    We sat in the hall way. So far neither of us spoke a single word. I picked up the courage again.

    “Mel…”

    “Adrian, if you want to talk about our relationship, I’m sorry, I don’t want to give an ear to that.”

    Mel wasn’t typical. She never did anything keeping her self-respect at stake. Yes, I hurt her self-respect. I now regret that.”

    “Mel, please try to understand. I owe you an apology for all the bad times you had because of me. I miss you. I don’t like my house. It is vacant without you. Your absence is echoed in every single corner of every single room. I’m not happy anymore. I miss those happy nights where we cuddled each other and slept long peaceful nights. It’s hard for me to manage myself; you apparently know everything about me. In fact, more than I do know about myself. Every single part of me loves you more than I admit.”

    “It’s not love Adrian. It’s called need. I was there for you when you needed the most, and you took me for granted. I held your back during failures and you took me for granted. Even though you knew I hated sleeping on my own, many nights you never came home and took me for granted. I’m done with all that stupid stuff. I’m not a stupid to let you break down my walls again.”

    “No Mel, you are not stupid. If there is anyone stupid in this room, it’s me. If my stupidity were laser beams, the ground would be scorched.” My voice began cracking and I stared at Mel with moist eyes who was already in sobs. I hate seeing her cry. Even at this stern situation, I can’t help but stare at her captivative eyes. “I never forgot you Mel. You were always in my thoughts. I tried to ignore that gaping hole that tried to threaten to swallow me, whenever your thoughts hit me. I still have your number. Not that I need it, but I’d never forget it.”

    I went close to her. Took her hands into mine. She didn’t seem to take back. Holding her face in my arms I told, “Mel, I terribly missed you. Your smiles seem to be in every painting hanging on our walls. I miss, how, in the mornings, your smile caressed my ears, nape of my neck and now I hate to think where the smile has gone.”

    “I missed you too Adrian.” She hugged me, which was what I was hungrily craving for. “I’m just hurt by the way you treated me.”

    “I promise to never let that happen again sweetheart. I shall never let you feel low and lone. Are you not the best thing ever happened to me? How can I lose you again.” I said these words without releasing the hug.

    “Mel, I love you. Do you still love me?”

    “I do.” Mel replied with her sweet smile that easily took my breath away.

    “Mel, shall I say you something?”

    “Yeah”

    “If I could sit on the porch with God, the first thing I would do is, thank him for you.”

  • This Love that Feels Right

    This Love that Feels Right

    The story revolves around two persons deeply hurt by their past and wanting to live in their past ignoring their life waiting ahead of them. Read the story and find out whether they overcame their situations or got trapped in it?

     

    We both met at a junction where we both needed each other very badly in life. We both were punctured in life, hurted from our past, when we encountered into each other, we acted normally. Slowly, we started knowing each other, we used to text each other for hours and hours, used to talk like hell, ignored our wok too but we always had a fear at the back end of our mind that we don’t want to indulge in love. Our past had punctured so much hatred in us that we were actually ignoring the thing that we had not only started liking each other, but slowly we were falling for each other. Ryan met Slyvia on a cruise which was heading to Greece. Ryan was going for some official work, while Sylvia was visiting Greece to iterate about the architecture and the cuisine of Greece. Ryan was a typical businessman and Slyvia was a travel expert. Although both were different from each other but yet they understood each other very well.

    So when they met on cruise, they talked normally, then they felt something tingling. But both were rigid, they ignored their feeling. By the time they reached Greece both knew much about each other. Although they both had their own work, but they both were smart enough to find time for being in touch with each other.

    Some more days passed by and then they both confessed about their feelings but still they both thought that it was not right to be with each other.

    Both were fighting a fight within themselves and so both were confused. They even tried to stop talking to each other, but their emotions were just flowing out of their hearts and they were unable to hold on their emotions. Every passing day was making it more and more difficult.

    Slyvia was quite mature in this case because her life was full of struggles and she knew that she will lose her heart out, what she was scared about was that will Ryan understand about his feelings? Will he lose his heart out? Will he give the same commitment like she wanted to give to him? All these questions were wandering in her mind and so she kept things to herself. She was actually waiting for Ryan to disclose his emotions, she was waiting for him to overrule his emotions. She wanted Ryan to speak on this topic.

    Finally on 17th October, which was Ryan’s birthday, it was the day when Ryan finally broke into tears near his mom and expressed everything to his mom. He explained everything in detail and then his mom suggested him that what had happened in past had gone away and he should look forward to a better and bright future. His mom asked him to go and find his love which was Slyvia. He ran and searched for her, he called her and she picked the call, and the next thing both said to each other was something which both wanted to speak out since long. Both confessed their feelings to each other, Slyvia left her insecurities aside and believed in him and he too left his bitter past aside and accepted the way she was. Both left their past behind and headed together for a better future.

    Today, at present day both are blessed with two kids and both are enjoying the lavish company of each other.

    Their love is fresh and warm; it has the same charm which it had when they met for the first time.

    Not always your past can affect your future, it is you who decides what your future will be, it is you who can change your present and your future too, make sure you take the right decisions and you don’t deprive yourself from the beautiful feeling called love.

  • PERFECTLY IMPERFECT LOVE CHAPTER 2

    PERFECTLY IMPERFECT LOVE CHAPTER 2

    This is where the thrill begins. Join Krishang and Kritika in their journey of perfectly imperfect love. 
    Here is all about Kritika in her own words.

     

     

    Kritika….in words of Kritika

     

     

    Sa Re Ga Ma Pa Dha Ni Sa….

     

    My fingers trace through the most valued possession of mine, my harmonium and my voice echo in the silence of the dawn. I sit cross legged in the balcony attached to the bedroom on my mustard color mattress at this hour when the fateful night is about to bid adieu to another hopeful day. My eyes involuntarily give in to the outside world as I close them to take in the profound sensations throughout my body as if, each and every cell is reverberating with the rendition and lips curve into the most contented smile when my voice correctly aligns with the chord.  The room clock strikes 4 AM in the morning, the time for my daily dose, my riyaz. During the two hour course of the morning ritual, I hear the merry chirping of the birds conversing good morning wishes to each other; the dogs barking at the end of the street, racing with the morning athletes; the pigeon’s ‘gutar-goo’ which sounded like two mature individuals talking secretly so that the children don’t hear; it seemed that the nature was singing the chorus to my song. Music is my caffeine to kick start the day! As the Sun’s rays engulf me in their warmth just as a mother embraces her child, I am ready, ready to face today! Nature is a miracle if we are able to feel it!

    If music is the starter and the sweet dish, teaching satiates me like the main course. A dream made its way into reality when I was appointed as a lecturer in the premier commerce institute of the country.

    Teaching is not a profession but a relief, my get away from the world of politics and hypocrisy. I feel secure, confined to the four walls of my classroom looking into those innocent harmless eyes, not bitten by the ‘money’ virus yet (an epidemic in the corporate world) ; well some have managed to join the league already, others will in years to come as they grow or rather decay from being humans to being mere money minting machines devoid of a heart to love and a brain to think! Another reason for me being here is to put a drop of change in the vast ocean filled with impurities; a task as possible as making the man on the death bed come to life; but there was still hope! Hope is the mantra that got me through the worst time of my life; well the worst till now in the span of 25 years.

     

    My childhood memories are filled with the playful laughter and carefree smile of a happy go lucky girl who was cocooned in the loving embrace of her parents, shielded in the protective atmosphere of a joint family and brought up under the guidance of my teachers who gave the necessary push to my interest in academics in the formative years. Anything to everything was perfect, though I never realized this then. “Not a big deal”; I had told my mother when she preached me and Kabira ( my personal troublemaker at home, my younger brother, Kabir) to thank God for something as routine as eating food( I had laughed it out then ), “ Mummy, why so senti ?, my life is as normal as everyone else’s, I’ll thank Him when something extraordinary happens.”, I had told her. Only if I had known it then that it is extraordinary in itself to receive an ordinary life! I had taken my life for granted and it only took a second for life to turn the tables on me.

     March 11, 2009, the date is imprinted in my mind and the happenings stamped in my memory. A phone call that I had reluctantly picked up, lazy to leave the comfort of my bed and a phone call, after which I had hardly slept peacefully in the comfort of my bed.

    “Ye jinka phone hai unka Attari chowk par accident hua hai. Unki body ko Gangaram hospital lekar gaye hain;” I remember the words clearly.

    ( the person to whom this phone belongs has met with an accident near the Attari Chowk. His body has been taken to Lilavati hospital)

                                                                            “hello”         

    “hello”

    “Pata nahi sir koi bol nahi raha hai”; the person on the other side of the phone had told someone.

    “Did he just say Body?” , I had replayed his words but he had cut the line till I could have asked.

    Everything had went blank for me. I had struggled for my breath.

    “ This can’t happen, no this can’t….”, I had muttered silent assurances to myself

    and then to my broken mother in the car on our way to the hospital to see my father, to whom the phone belonged.

    While we were trying to come to terms with what happened, destiny threw its final ball that hit me so hard that I lost the very balance required to sustain life, faith. The gullible teenager developed into a suspicious young woman finding it difficult to trust the world anymore.

    Mr Rakesh Gupta, my father’s dearest friend and also his Chartered accountant. After the tragedy, the same person messed up a big time with my father’s accounts and properties. Of course, we helped him in his outright generous endeavor by supplying him with all the necessary information. He was family after all!

    Family! What can you expect from an outsider when your own people, instead of attending to your wounds, stab you from the back. That’s exactly what they did!

    What for?,

    Huh, for that heartless piece of paper, that does make the pockets bulky but a person, hollow. ‘Paisa’ , the villain in most of the lives was in mine too!

    After the death of my grandmother within an year of my father’s demise, we were completely out casted by our so called joint family in every way possible.

    Series of events led us to vacating the ancestral house and moving into the staff quarters, a two bedroom house provided as a perquisite of my mother’s service as junior accountant. The house equaled the living room of the old one but our mutual love was enough to supersede any limitation of money and space, for our hearts were clean and conscience pure, in words of my mom. We didn’t have too much in our pockets but had enough to eat, drink, survive and most importantly educate. My father, being a reputed service man himself had dreamt of good education for his children and I made sure to not to disappoint him on that!

    I also started taking tuitions to support Kabir in his formative years, and soon teaching became my passion. Not to forget, I found the much needed solace in music that I had been learning since childhood but realized its value in my life when I stood all alone.

     

    Though the pain has lessened over time, but the scars seem to be permanently inscribed in the reins of my memory. There are times when I am haunted by the thoughts of losing my mom or bhai to ….., when I pray anxiously to not to show me a day when I see my mother’s world break apart or that fearful look in the eyes of my brother, when I am guilty of being a tough egoistic teenager to my father when he was alive, when I am doubtful of everyone out there, when I want to shrug the heavy potli of responsibility off my shoulders and just kneel down to vent it all out, when I want to be loved, to be pampered (Though I am, by my mother but I ensure not to strain her enough to pamper me for there is already a manly looking little baby at home, Kabir and of course, as much as I hate to say it, she is growing old.).

    Death of loved ones, betrayal, losing the teenage years to earn bread for a family, happens, people have greater problems! Yes, they do, far greater than what I have gone through and I can’t but feel fortunate for not being one of them. This has given me the courage and confidence to belittle my own problems and move on. Honestly, I have moved on, I have. I smile, I laugh, I hang out with friends(my two best friends, mostly), I dance(rarely, but when I am in mood, I do), I sing ( oh, I love this part) as if nothing happened. People call me a strong girl.

    But then there are two worlds altogether as far as humans are concerned, the inner and the outer one. The outer world is a curtain to the inner turmoil, a not so happy place for most of us, not for me as well.

    Time has passed, pain has subsided, events forgotten but the void remains. A deep emptiness which cannot be expressed. I don’t remember what led to it but I have felt it for years now and accepted it as a part of me. My smile seems a mere attempt to stretch my cheek muscles for the heart seems least interested. My laughter is a sound without a feeling of an expansion in the chest( Sometimes I think, should I visit a psychiatrist?) . I socialize for the name sake of it, otherwise I am good alone than among those sugar coated words and masked faces of concern.  Rationally speaking, I should not put everyone in that category but as hard as I try, my doubts take over the better of me for my experiences speak greater than my own conscience.

    The reason is enough to believe that I have made no thick friends, other than of course , Shivali and Saumya, the cartoons in my otherwise black and white life. My chaddi- buddies since school and forever!

     

    After school, when most of the kids develop into the college going chicks or stud guys, I grew fat, put on specs and looked like the khadoos aunty on the campus who does not like to mingle. I was more into the libraries, hiding behind those pages than in the cafes, night clubs or lover points. But, I have always felt that music is my compensation to whatever I have missed, if I have. When I sing, my wavering mind comes to a halt and the thoughts seem to disappear as I allow my voice to dance with the notes. Nature is another retreat for any gloomy day and if it rains, my day is made!

    Well, there is another tension hovering over my mind since last few days. My mother is after me to find a deserving groom for myself. And why would she think that I am the deserving lady for the deserving groom? I look nowhere close to those chirpy, fashionable, pro Honey Singh, perfect figure girls who are the dream of every bachelor out there. On the contrary, I am heavy( well, fat is the word), I prefer wearing traditional( mostly because it suits my body type, but I tell people that I don’t like western much,shhhhh…), I put on the ear pods to listen to the Lata Mangeshkar classics or Jagjit Singh Ghazals ( something which people of my age use to doze off when sleeps seems far away) and lastly, my idea of love is far from being sexually attracted, infact that’s the last on the list( my two best friends seem hell worried on this part). It is not that I am waiting for a man to love me, my mom loves me, my brother does and so do my friends. And I love them back, a lot, but, deep down, there is a feeling that I am missing out on something, something really special. Love or something else, I have no idea.

    It is not that I have not thought about my partner to be but, my idea of him is too abstract to be true. It is just that the intensity of my pains doubled the intensity of my imagination of someone who would crush the pain in his hands and throw it off my mind and body.

    Before I replay the perfect guy story in my mind and then curse myself for wasting my time over something that is far from reality, let me sleep. Early to bed, early to rise, oh my god, if I ever marry someone, he would think he had married a grandma behind a young face. Why doesn’t mom understand?

    Huff…goodnight