3rd Dec, 2:03 am
Today marks the end of another day of me repenting for my sins. Even today I feel thankful that they let me keep you, though this may end soon as Luke’s family is not liking the idea of the murderer of their son having something to remain sane. I know even you despise me. Can’t blame anyone on this. I didn’t write about all this for quite some time now didn’t I? Are you asking me why today is different? Well… Today is the anniversary of Luke’s death. I can never forget it. I WILL never forget it for the rest of my life. It’s my duty.
I know what I did was wrong diary. How many times have I written about it already huh? We fought, I got angry and my ego took control, we were on the terrace… and… whoosh, I made Luke sway away in the wind. Sick aren’t I? To make lyrical, poetical lines like ‘swaying in the wind’ when I should just say that I pushed him, it’s just pathetic. Haha… I know. I still wish someone would have stopped me then. Then I would not be here today and Luke would have been among us, maybe we could have been friends. Everyone was there… all my BUDDIES, but no one said a word. Well it all happened to fast for anyone to react… for me… to think. Anyways, there are not my buddies anymore. They won’t talk to me.
It has already been a year and I still can’t sleep diary. I wake up every night panting, covered in sweat.
Tell me… Whom should I apologize to next? I have begged for forgiveness from everyone. Luke’s parents, my parents, the media, and my classmates… every single person I have seen after that day. I have apologized to every one of them, only to hear that a sorry won’t bring him back. A sorry… a sorry won’t save me from my judgment. I know a sorry won’t bring him back. It won’t save me, let alone subsiding my guilt… but isn’t that why I am saying sorry? I made a mistake. A terrible mistake. A mistake I cannot take back no matter what I do. Every day is filled with cold disappointed eyes and words. I have been getting hate letters ever since that day. But that is why I say sorry. Sorry means that I know what I have done. Mom… mom just cries when she comes to meet me. She stopped by yesterday and called herself filthy. She said “You are a criminal. I know that. And yet I cannot help but plead them to remove charges. Even though the right thing is for you to stay here till your sentence is completed”… I couldn’t say anything and she left crying. I am sorry mom…
I keep crying night after night without anyone noticing. I wish someone would notice already. I wish I could say sorry to Luke.
Luke… I am sorry. I really am. I just wish I could switch positions with you. Or just bring you back somehow. I am terrified. Will I have to live like this for the rest of my life? I thought that instead of losing to all this, I would do my best from now on to be a good person, to help the society. And you know what, I will be out of this juvenile in another year, but I have started wishing if that could get extended. I no longer have the guts to face anyone anymore. I feel like they will kill me.
Oh I almost forgot to mention diary, there is one more reason why I remembered about these things today. It’s also my birthday and it is already snowing outside, I wonder if it will stick to the ground. Thank you for listening I am going now.
. . .
The pain of losing someone, the way Luke was lost, is by no means a light matter. Incidents like these haunt the people involved and scare the society. Punishment is a must and by all means necessary.
But there is something we forget to do. It is important that we can differentiate between a criminal who is evil and a criminal who is lost. Sometimes, some crimes actually are big mistakes. There are a handful of criminals out there who actually feel guilty from the bottom of their hearts. Instead of reminding them of their past every day, it will help the society more to encourage them to take a better route. It is not something easy to do, rather the whole idea seems controversial and absurd… but maybe it is worth a try.