Tag: love

  • Miracles Do Happen

    Miracles Do Happen

    Tribute to martyrs who lost their lives in Siachen glacier.

     

    “Tony, don’t do that. They will get misplaced!” she shouted from the kitchen.

    “But Mom, they remind me of my superhero. I miss him so much today” completely oblivion of the situation.

    These words brought her from the kitchen to the hall. As she entered, her son was going through his dad’s medals as if they were one of his toys. The gleam in his eyes, the smile on his lips and the proud on his face seemed infectious.

    She was instantly taken to a nostalgic flashback in her mind.

    A gush of wind came out of nowhere, embracing her skin, leaving her with Goosebumps .She was taken back to the times when she had been proposed in front of the whole college.

     He had been there on his knees in the canteen, in front of their whole gang with a French fry folded into a ring. Not caring for the onlookers who were smiling, since she was all that mattered to him.

     “He’d always been so brave!” she chuckled to herself, while her eyes were wet.

    What happened ma? You seem lost!

    And those words at once broke her daydream and she was brought back to the reality. She missed his presence more than ever.

    Nothing beta, she assured. Her face told a different tale, though.

    At once she went to her bedroom and started fetching for something frantically.   Like it was a hidden treasure buried. But treasure it was, indeed. It was their Marriage album.

    Thousands of memories were brought back in a flash. She went through her pictures, feelings those moments with fingers.

     It was a good one hour spent between those love birds, behind closed doors, where there was no one except of her and his countless memories.

    But fate had played his part and they had been separated for the call of duty.

    But she was a strong woman. Almost as brave as his husband who was an army jawan placed at the Siachen Glacier. She was a proud wife just as his husband

    For the responsible person he was and always had been. For the source of inspiration he was to their son that he never got weary of praising his dad in front of his friends. For the pride he had brought to not just his parents and family but the nation as well for his undeterred services for the motherland.

     But it had been six days and now her hopes were giving up. There had been not a single ray of hopes. She never missed watching the news channels or reading all the seven newspapers she had subscribed just to get a hint of how his husband was, where he was. Should she even consider waiting for him?

     She only prayed for a hint from god.

    But the next day came with sun shining bright, guaranteeing positivity. The day she had been waiting for. Her prayers had been heard. In came the news of her husband being the sole survivor of the avalanche that had hit the Siachen. He had been but sleeping in the lap of his motherland all theses six days.

    A big sigh of relief was met by the customary tears of joy.

    Tony got all his answers. Now he knew why her mother had been so restless all these days. His father was a superhero, indeed.

    He felt he had the responsibility of being the man of the house on his shoulders, so he extended his little fingers to wipe those tears. Seeing this, her mother hugged him and kissed on his forehead. A new brave soldier was in the making.

     

    *Siachen Miarcle Inspired.

     

     

     

     

  • Apocalypse

    Apocalypse

    I never meant to start a war. But that is where everything led to.

     

    "I will always be there for you."

    He always convinced me. And I never got convinced. I eventually knew I would never be his and only his possession.

    I wanted to let it go.

    I was trapped. Trapped between my heart and brain. I was caught in a cobweb.

    I couldn't let it go and keeping it with me was making me eccentric.

    He didn't get it. I told him. He never understood.

     

    He was going to get married the next day. Living with another woman. I didn't have all his heart for myself. He had shared it. So much of love. I was laughing. Laughing hard. My stomach was aching. And my soul was crumbling down.

     

    My grandpa's trembling voice seemed so sarcastic for a moment.

    " Always you should share. And care for others. "

    I couldn't share him with another girl. No. It was a simple no.

     

    I heard his voice.

    " Be patient. I can marry you too."

     

    I couldn't be patient. I suddenly felt like a toy for him. Is that all he had wanted from me?  Am I not more than that? Why didn't he tell me before? Is it true that all men are heartless forever and ever? I started losing all the trust I had in men. I didn't want to be a second choice for him.

     

    My school teacher always said,

    " Rina, you are one of a kind!"

    She was called the sarcastic queen of our school.

    I was perplexed by her remark.

    "You have a beautiful soul. Never compromise with yourself. You are all that you have got. Don't go for an aam candy."

    I was so confused.

    Even though he was an 'aam candy' for others, he was like the best kind of chocolate available for me in the whole world.

     

    How could I make her understand that?

    I couldn't.

    Like a chasing mad dog at your feet. Like an avalanche, hitting me. He made me run. He had made my heart beat faster than ever. He was an inspiration for me.

     

    A marriage. I had to face after a long time. I had to change my mind. I needed whisky this time. Cigarettes were not enough for my soul. Maybe weed would have been a better way to get away with this.

    I pleaded.

    " Please let me go."

     

    He sounded worried. He suddenly seemed selfish.

    " I will feel void. With nothing left. Please don't leave me."

     

    I was never a Homo sapien. I had a heart made of an unknown substance. Constantly forgiving. I didn't want him to get hurt all life. Because of me. But he had another woman for him. He never told me until I had got to know about her one day.

     

    I was falling in a deep well. I didn't have anyone to hold me.  I was free. Free from any heart or soul who could control me.

    The song 'Saware' by Arijit Singh. Was again echoing in my mind.

     

    I just wished if I would have met him before. The greed would have been less. I was burning inside. The ashes were left now. My tongue was paralyzed. I couldn't speak. My lips felt dry. I was feeling choked. My lungs were getting bigger day by day. Asking for more oxygen. And my heart was seeming to get smaller than my fist day by day. I could keep only him safe in there. But not him with another woman.

     

    The earphones plugged deep into my ears had always been like the best stethoscope ever discovered on earth. A song is all that I needed.

     

    Or a game like the 2048. I was thinking so much about him. My brain would have exploded any time. The two and four blocks kept moving on the screen. I had some spring attached to my thumb. My thumb was not stopping. The blocks of the game kept accumulating. It was on an endless mode. I had reached 8192. A new high score. 

     

    I was a winner. On a endless mode of 2048. I had reached only 8192. I had to reach  16384. And then I don't know which number. I was struggling to be patient.

     

    The spider had spun such a beautiful cobweb. So hypnotising. The ladybird couldn't get out of it. Unless someone else  had come and dusted it off from  there. At the upper right corner of my room.

     

    Everything was clear now. I had to be heartless. Kill the spider. And destroy the cobweb. The ladybird would then fly away. Free.

     

    Lana del Ray's "Born to die" was tearing my heart to  pieces. Her deep voice was resonating in my brain for the whole day. Every now and then. I was dying.

     

    The sheer thought of you being with her is so devastating. I am here. Lying on my bed. Not dwelling in your heart. Or your soul. Not even in your arms.

     

    The mantras were too loud. The pandit was chanting continuously. The volume of my earphones was too low to ignore it. I removed them from my ears.

     

    The bride looked heavenly. She was so pretty. Clad in a green sari. With that content smile on her face. She was turning red every now and then. Blushing continuously.

     

    The tank of tear glands in my eyes were empty now. No more of tears. I smiled. Smiled like a starving eagle. The eagle had found a snake.

     

     The groom came on the pandal. He was there. I looked at him. I admired the way he was good at multitasking. With two hearts at the same time with his  single heart. Little did he know that my heart and soul had already died. With just a plastic smile on.

    He tied the mangalsootra on her neck. She was so lucky. Lucky enough to get him. And now lucky enough to be fed by a bullet.

     

    There were only three bullets in the revolver. I was waiting for this day. Waiting for it to occur.

    Let her world shatter to pieces. My world had already got extinct.

    I was standing there. Near the pandal. With my favourite thing in my clutch. I had warned him already.

    " I am not patient. I am mad. "

    Nothing scared me anymore.

    I had faced one. And now she would face one. An apocalypse.

     

  • Deepika’s Dad Emotional Letter at Filmfare Award Show

    Deepika’s Dad Emotional Letter at Filmfare Award Show

    This Letter From Deepika's Dad Made Everyone Emotional at the Filmfares.

    Every person in the hall got emotional when Deepika Padukone went on stage to collect her Best Actress Trophy at the Filmfare Awards on January 15. 

    https://www.facebook.com/sonytelevision/videos/1036185103070919/

    In her red dress, Padukon went on stage to collect award for her outstanding acting in Piku movie. The movie also was centered on emotional relationship between daughter and her father. She read out letter with tears, said-

     "There is no substitute for perseverance, hard work, determination, and passion for what you do. If you love what you do, nothing else matters," 
     

     

    Check out the letter!

    https://www.facebook.com/DeepikaPadukone/posts/1010232125717557:0

     

    Business Tycoon Kiran Mazumdar Shaw & Salman Khan retweeted on this:

     

  • Dede’s Chronicles

    Dede’s Chronicles

    Dede walked up the narrow pathway leading to a desolate house. The house was unkempt, overgrown with moss and ivy. She wondered if anyone still lived there when she saw a shadowy figure move across the hall through the window. She went up to the door and knocked. A silver haired woman with wrinkled skin but wise eyes opened the door.

    “Hello ma’am.” said Dede, slightly nervous.

    “Hello darling, what can I do for you?” the old woman replied.

    Her voice quivered as she spoke. “I’m doing a survey. I need to ask women, if they could go back and tell their 18 year old self one thing, what it would be.” The old woman smiled. But it was a sad smile.

    She seemed to have aged another hundred years after hearing the question.

    “Why don’t you come on in, young one? I’ll make you some coffee. God knows I never get any company around here. It’s good to talk to someone.”

    “Sure” Dede smiled.

    She had lost all her nervousness now and walked in with ease. There was a tiny hall where a couch sat with its cushions covered in mould, an ancient TV set opposite it, which was playing a movie in black and white. There was an old, stained carpet covering the floor and a dilapidated armchair next to the couch. To the right of the living room was a door which probably lead to her bedroom and to the left was a wooden round dinner table with three chairs. Behind the dining table was a kitchen with nothing but a small gas stove and a few utensils. A musty smell hung over and Dede went on to take one of the seats at the dining table.

    “So” said the old woman still smiling. “What exactly do you need?”

    She looked closely at Dede, at her soft, golden hair, her dark brown eyes and her fair, flawless skin. Dede was tall, almost 6 feet and she had an alluring body. She was dressed simply in a white tshirt and light blue jeans.

    “Your past experiences, the ones you wish you could change. The situations you wish had played out differently”

    “There is an ocean of those” the old woman laughed an empty laugh.

    “Look at me, my child. Do you honestly believe this is the best I could have done with my life? I live alone in a house that might fall apart any moment. Sometimes the loneliness borders on insanity. Everything could have gone differently”

    The old woman’s voice grew more and more bitter.

    “I was once young and beautiful, well not as beautiful as you” she looked adoringly at Dede.

    “I had many suitors, many strong and young men waiting to sweep me off my feet. I came down to two – Drake and Jerry. Drake was a charmer, the good looking one. He said big things, talked of Paris and Venice, Rome and Austria. I was 19 and I fell for those words. I held on to everything he said and believed all of it. I felt bad for Jerry in the background, always buying me roses and chocolates, getting me tickets to plays and dances. I would just take those tickets and push Drake to go with me. Jerry spoke of a beautiful house by the country side where we could live peacefully. Didn’t he see? He could never match up to Europe with his feeble country house.” The old woman stopped to take a breath. Dede put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

    The old woman shuddered. “My dear. The answer to your question. If I could give any advice to my 18 year old self, I would say this. Actions speak louder than words.

    Believe a person who does, not one who says.

    I married Drake, we moved into this house. He had no money and it was the best I could afford at that time. We lived one happy year. Then I grew impatient when we never went to Paris. And he grew irritable because he never meant any of that. We had a miserable life because we had made no plans. Everything fell apart, the debts piled up. Another two years of resentment and our relationship was at its brink. Neither of us was sure if we could take it anymore. And then we brought a child into all this chaos. My goodness, she was beautiful.

    For once, Drake and I could tolerate each other and that was purely because of Ella, our little princess.

    But there was always something off about her health and when she was 3, she was diagnosed with a degenerative disease. Our little 3 year old. Her organs deteriorated, she couldn’t handle all the surgeries performed on her. She slept forever. Drake and I couldn’t even bear the sight of each other. He blamed me. Said I didn’t take care of myself during the pregnancy. I retorted that maybe I could’ve taken care of myself if he had actually kept his promises. If only we had a decent house, without the pressure of debts, I might have been healthier. If only we were in Paris. That struck a nerve with him. He said he fell in love with a beautiful girl and she wasn’t the one standing before him. That’s when I looked in the mirror after a long time. I could hardly recognise myself. I was only 27 but my face had so many lines and my hair looked dull and even had a few greys. I looked 40. I turned around to tell him that I had never promised him eternal youth but he was gone. And he never came back.” The old woman began sobbing silently and Dede put her arms around her. She slowly comforted her and she pulled out her notepad and wrote

    ‘Trust a man of actions not a man of words.’

      Dede walked up to the next house with great trepidation. Her previous visit had already shaken her up quite badly. She took a look at this house. The house was a little better off than the previous one. It was a decent looking single storeyed house with a small vegetable garden around it that looked neglected. The white wash on the walls was slightly peeling off and windows panes looked like they needed fixing. But other than that, Dede liked this house much more than she had liked the previous one. It looked more homely and it didn’t give her the creeps in broad daylight. Dede walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell. She waited awhile but no one came to the door. She rang again wondering if anyone was at home. She wondered if she could peek into the little window to the side of the door. But then she decided that it would be considered extremely rude should she be discovered. She tried knocking one last time and just as she turned to leave, she heard a grunt from inside. The door swung open and a hefty woman in her late fifties or early sixties, stood by the door. Her formal attire indicated that she had just returned from work. Her hair had been pulled into a messy bun and she had her spectacles on in a crooked fashion. She was slightly overweight and wore an unpleasant expression on her. Clearly she didn’t appreciate being disturbed.

    “Yes?” she enquired gruffly.

    “Hello ma’am, I’m here to…”

    “Away with you! I’m not interested in buying your product!” She tried to shut the door on Dede’s face.

    “I only want your opinion ma’am” said Dede quickly.

    “If you could alert your eighteen year old self of one thing, what would it be?” The woman scoffed. She didn’t invite Dede in. Dede resigned to standing at the doorway and listening to the story. “I would.. You know.. Tell me to get my life straight. Take care of my health. Think a little more about the future. I should have stuck it out through college. I dropped out too soon.” She shook her head. She reflected for a while on her seemingly dreadful past. Her expression changed to one of utmost regret. “I never tried much. I wasn’t dim-witted. Oh no! Smartest egg in the family I was. Yes that I was indeed. My brothers were never a match for me. My parents were always so proud of me through school.. Their little girl was doing so well. Showing her brothers how it’s done.  Everything changed in college though. Things went haywire. I had this group of friends, these bunch of girls. We shared a dorm in college.

    We called ourselves ‘The Night’s Mares’. What a terrible name! We were never up to any good.” She scoffed.

    “Every pub in town knew us. Every trouble-maker guy knew us.” She sighed. “Maybe we should sit down for this” Dede hopefully hinted. But she shook her head again and Dede sighed silently. Her legs were already starting to feel a little weary. “I was better than that. I can see it so clearly now. Why was I so blind then? I had the chance to get out, you know?

    It was in the middle of my second year in college. We decided we were wasting our lives going to classes, listening to lectures. We figured we were meant for the outside world. We made this absurd plan to drop out as a group and go off on our own. We were going to start a street band and travel around the country, entertaining people. It was a terrible proposition. None of us really had any talent in singing or dancing. We were just pretty and we got by because of that in college. But in the real world that’s not enough to hold you up. I think deep down I knew what an atrocious idea it was. When I told my parents they lost their wits. They put their foot down. Alas, I was an adult and there was nothing they could really do to stop me. They tried everything. They tried to reason with me, they tried screaming at me. They even went to the extent of threatening to disown me. I paid heed to nothing. I went ahead with the plan. We took a huge loan to start our band and our tour. It all fizzled out in less than three months. The loan had been in my name. My ‘friends’ deserted me soon after the band failed. I was alone and up to my neck in debt, left to pick up the pieces myself. I could get no real job without a proper education. Worst of all, I went into an almost depressed state because my friends had abandoned me. I went back to my parents’ place expecting them to forsake me too. Surprisingly they took me in. They helped me work off my loans and brought me back on my feet again. I lived with them till I was almost thirty. I found a job as a clerk, earning a meagre salary. But I told you I’m a smart egg remember? Took a few night classes, worked really hard to climb up the ladder. I’m a manager at a small firm now.” She paused looking rather proud of herself. It wasn’t just her though. Dede was feeling quite proud of her as well.

    “Did you ever find out what happened to your friends?” Dede asked.

    “No. I don’t want to. I know that people think it will make me feel better if I see them doing bad in life. But honestly speaking, the decision to mess up my life was every bit mine as it was theirs. I resent them for leaving me when I was in the dumps, but I’m glad they did. They were an anchor weighing me down. I wish them no harm and do hope they are doing well, although I have no inclination to find out whether or not they really are. So to answer your question, if I could say just one thing to my eighteen year old self.. "Sweetie, you can do so much better than a trash band, you are so smart. Leave those ungrateful wretches be. Stay away from them. Make real friends who support you and love you for who you are. Friends who keep you sane and humble."

    "And remember, your parents are always your best friends.”

    Dede thanked her with a tear in her eye. She no longer minded that she had to stand out for so long, because the story she had gotten was definitely worth it.      

  • I Forgive You

    I Forgive You

    ‘Diane? Sweetheart? I forgive you.’

    She parked her car next to a yellow bike in the parking lot of the hospital as the rain pelted down with full force outside. She heaved a sigh and reached for her umbrella while wiping a lone stray tear from her cheek.

    One more day. One more day of waiting.

    She felt it every day, the pain and guilt clawing at her heart. She walked towards the entrance of the hospital with slow steps. She didn’t want this. She wanted the pain to go away. But would it ever?

    The lady at the reception, whose nametag read Laura, gave her a smile full of sympathy and said-

    ‘How are you today Diane?’

    She took a deep breath in and looked down at her shoes. They had started showing signs of wear. She didn’t answer the lady’s question. She just looked back up and asked the lady-

    ‘Can I see him now?’

    Laura knew she wouldn’t answer that question. But still she asked her that same question every day she came.

    ‘Yes, you can see him now’ she replied while giving Diane that same sad smile.

    She walked up the stairs and slowly inched towards the room on the far right end of the corridor. She put her ear to the door and listened. The same beeping noises greeted her from the other side. She had the sudden urge to break the door. But she controlled herself and pushed it open.

    There he was. He lay in the same position that she had left him in, the day before. Oh how she wished he would move! But would he?

    She went towards the bed and sat on the chair beside it. Taking his hand in hers she let out the tears she had been holding back. He had been in coma for a year now and it was all her fault. She could still remember that day clearly as if it had just happened yesterday. The worst part was that every time she saw him, she was reminded of the mistake she had made. After all, it was she who had called him while he was driving. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t see the truck barrelling towards him. He was just being a good husband and answering his wife’s call.

    She wanted him to wake up. She hoped every day that he would wake up and open his eyes. He would look at her with love and warmth and then take her into his arms. He would hold her tight and whisper comforting words to her. In the end, he would forgive her.

    ‘Sweetheart? Please come back to me.’

    But she had to accept that he would never comeback. That she had already lost him. That he would never forgive her. She would have to let him go. She just couldn’t take it anymore. She would have to pay for her sin.

    So she ran. Ran like a mad woman to that beautiful cliff where they had met for the first time. They had been in college when they both came here to take a break from the exam pressure. It had been love at first sight for Steve and her and they had been inseparable since then. No matter how many difficulties life threw their way.

    She reached the cliff huffing and puffing. Diane spread her arms wide open. She felt like a bird. Light and free.

    ‘I’m coming Steve. I know I’ll meet you there. I won’t let you go again.’

    She let out her last breath and jumped.

    But as she made that last jump, she was unaware of a pair of eyes opening back at the hospital and the soft croak of a voice saying

    ‘Diane? Sweetheart? I forgive you.’

     

     

     

  • Schizophrenia

    Schizophrenia

     

    “Where is the other earring?”

    I asked myself. The hands of the clock were ticking away like a bullet train. I had to reach my office soon. I was expecting the wrinkles on the forehead of the frowny face of the gatekeeper to torment me today.

    My drawer was killing me as usual. Filled with matchboxes, chewing gum wrappers, cigarettes, ear buds, hair pins, clips, small pieces of paper, anklets, rings and earrings. It was over brimming with useless things. My eyes stopped scanning when they were stuck at the pair of the most beautiful earrings in the whole world.

    A round shaped dangling earring with two white stones and a lot of tiny bits hanging from them.  The two white stones were made for each other. The earring was broken. I didn’t have the other earring. I had lost it. Lost it to a man. The earrings were my love.

    It was strange. Nostalgic. A single earring could take me back to him.

    “Time travel was possible with a pair of earrings?”

    I was still wondering. Leaning against the old dirty wall of my room. On my bed.  Deciding on what earrings to wear. The hands of the clock were still ticking. This time slower.

    I was lost. I found him again. He was a drug. Like the caffeine of my coffee and the nicotine of my cigarettes.

    It was a sultry afternoon when my sweaty hands felt heavenly for the first time in my life. We were a body with more nerves and less muscles. Those sweaty hands were making my heart crave for his soul forever. That day was when I had found the favourite earrings. And found them broken too. Maybe I was high.

     “Coffee or tea behenji?”

    Somebody was outside my room. Continuously knocking as if I was a ‘Kumbhkaran’ who would never wake up from his hibernation mode. The chaiwala.

    “I don’t want anything, Bhaiya!”

    The creaky noise of his jutees faded away. I heaved a sigh of relief.

     

    After years. Again. I was with him. Busy.

     

    My phone was flashing like the irritating Diwali neon lights of some distant shop on the streets near my home reminding me about him constantly; it was his birthday that day. My mind was filled with things I wanted to tell him.

    The dial pad of the phone was not far away from my hands. I could have called him. But who knew that the dial pad was never reachable from my courage.

     

    He was like a sweet poison. It seemed as if it was forever. I was shivering to even look into his eyes; I was looking at his photo.

     

    I needed fuel for my lungs. I was frantically searching for a cigar in my drawer. He was stopping my mind. My breath. I felt like a chain smoker who will die without a cigar every second.

     

    A treasure in my drawer. A Marlboro packet. I found a cigar. It smelt like him. He was with me. I was on cloud nine.

     

    My hands started searching for the green notebook; my priced possession; my diary. My tongue felt like I was licking the bark of a tree. There was more blood flowing through my heart. Oxytocin was at its peak.

    Turning the yellow pages, searching for the date. I found it. 28th February. My pen’s tip touched the paper. My phone started buzzing again.

    “Reminder: Buffalo’s birthday! Wish him!”

    I put it on snooze. The pages of my diary were starving. My brain was exploding and there was no space left to store things. Feeding my diary was the only choice left.

    My pen’ tip was already busy scribbling away on those yellow pages.

     

    Dear buffalo,

    I see those foolish girls getting so happy if you buy them a diamond ring. A gift they can show off to their other foolish friends. I see them getting so excited when someone goes shopping with them. I remember those women being happy if they have guys who owns a Jaguar or a Bugatti and can take them on a long drive on the busy roads of some overpopulated city.

     

    “Do you know what I want?”

     

    You should be afraid. Because I am going to ask something very expensive.

    I don’t want any ribbons or any lacy gifts. I don’t want any branded pearl necklace. I don’t need any costly designer gold ring. I don’t wish for a Bugatti or a Jaguar or a bungalow. I don’t want you to buy me any clothes or slippers. I don’t want to go on some romantic shitty movie with you. I can do all that myself.

    What I yearn for is a walk with you on the roadside. A wild flower you can get for me. Even if it smells bad, it will be one of a kind in thousands. A novel you can read to me. Your voice will fill those hollow spaces of my soul.

    A warm feeling of holding your hand for a second. It will never feel the same even if I get to touch the best velvet clothes. An everlasting dream of staring into your eyes forever to get fulfilled. It will be like the best movie I will ever watch. A smile on your face. Those big ears of yours to tease about. A rainy date. An ice cream I can share with you. A hug. A sense of touch. Some moments of silence for communicating with you. Some minutes with you. I want you to be happy till the time I am with you.

     

    “I crave for you.”

     

    Yes. I am greedy. I know I am asking too much from you. This is too expensive. I hope you will be able to afford such things. But, things have changed now.

     

    “I don’t miss you anymore.”

     

    I found you today in those pair of earrings which you had broken. I take a sip of coffee and with every sip I feel you go through the esophagus and mix with my blood too. Like the Kohl in my eyes; which I can never live without. You are always there. I see the novel you had gifted me years back. “The God of small things” by Arundhati Roy. I see your fingers holding it carefully to gift it to me that day. I see the moon. And always wondered how can it look so romantic to people? But it feels good to look at it. As the moon and the earth are so close to each other, so are you and me. I listen to the songs you have sent me. And find you dancing to them like a fool.

     

    You are everywhere. I don’t miss you anymore.

    The words of I and you were missing from my dictionary. You was I. And I was you.

     

    There is still an illusion of your presence but a persistence of your absence. And it kills me every second. What to think about and what not to think about has become a difficult task. Because there are deep imprints of your ghost in my mind. What if there was something like a time travel thing now with me. I would like to travel back and change everything for a while. Because then the persistence of your absence will have been gone for a while and I would feel as if I am in a paradise. And being in the most beautiful place, I would never want to come back.

     

    I complained one day.

    “You are a thief. I feel like a beggar. Give me my heart back.”

     

    “I am a proud thief. Keep my heart safe. Don’t crush it.”

     

    My pen stopped on the fifth yellow page. My diary didn’t feel hungry anymore. A single drop of water was enough to quench the thirst of the paper. The kohl of eyes was getting drowned in water. My cigar packet was empty. I needed more fuel.

     

    The hands of the clock stopped ticking. I was on cloud nine. My phone kept buzzing. I switched it off. Forever.

     

     

     

     

     

  • Feelings Untold

    Feelings Untold

    Andrew started putting away his feelings and started looking at her as a friend. Both of them had a good time in the evenings hanging out and talking about their positives and inabilities.

     

    It was a bright sunny day and Andrew was lying on his bed desperately thinking about how his first day of high school would be. He was shy ,always preferred to stay away from a crowd and never had the courage to talk to girls comfortably.

    Next day, He woke up late as usual without realising that he had to attend his first day of school. His mother helped him out to get ready on time. The school was not far enough for him to board a bus, he took his bike and rushed to the school. Most of the students already got to know each other before even the first class or they were childhood friends .

    Andrew didn’t really look at the people around him while rushing to his class. He entered the class just before the class started. The first class was just an introductory class, the professor gave a small introduction about  the school and it’s achievements which Andrew didn’t even bother listening to. He was looking around the class to see if there were any of his old classmates or neighbours.

    As the professor finished his short introduction, he asked everyone to tell their short history. Andrew gave brief information about his previous schools and ended his introduction. After his introduction, he saw a girl on the left of his seat who seemed familiar to him. She introduced herself as Lina, she was actually Andrew’s classmate in elementary school and also his first love.

    Andrew made up his mind to talk to her, but the very next moment he restrained himself thinking that she might not remember him. There was a break after the first class and everyone moved out to the cafe except Andrew, he didn’t know what to do and kept thinking about how to talk to her. Lina made a few friends in the class and was always with them giving no chance for Andrew to speak to her.

    Andrew was happy that he still has a chance to get closer to his first love but he didn’t have the confidence to talk to her. The first day of school ended and Andrew came home thinking about a way to impress her the next day. He started searching for the memorable objects or photos involving Lina. He found a few photographs and few gifts he received from her on his birthdays. Travelling down the timeline, he remembered how much fun he had with her during the school days.

    On the next day of school, Andrew started talking to the other guys of the class to improve his courage to talk to Lina. He got a few good friends who had almost the same interests as he had. He started hanging out with his new friends but behind all this he was actually trying to get closer to Lina by gathering information about her interests and dislikes.

    Days passed and he was still collecting information about her. While all this was happening, Lina realised that someone was stalking her. She tried finding out who it was. In the process, she realised that Andrew was her classmate in elementary school .

    She started enquiring about Andrew like how Andrew was collecting information about her. But she couldn’t find out that he was the stalker. Once she knew that Andrew was shy and never had the courage to talk to girls comfortably, she realised that he would never talk to her unless there was a reason. So Lina decided to initiate the conversation.

    Lina  approached Andrew and said “hi!”, Andrew was in a state of shock and didn’t know how to respond immediately. He blindly replied “hi!”. She thought that Andrew didn’t recognise her, but before she could confirm her thoughts he immediately asked her about her school days making himself clear that he recognised her. This made both of them comfortable for a conversation.  They had a good conversation for about ten minutes as they got to know more about themselves. Before ending the conversation, she asked him if he knew about anyone stalking her. Andrew told her the truth that it was his doing, and he did that to know more about her. Lina felt relieved and was glad that she met him. She gave him her number and her address.

    From the next day on, both of them went to school together and  became closer every day. They had long conversations on the phone and hung out together on weekends.

    From the data Andrew collected, Lina had a large family. She had 2 sisters who were very close to each other at all times. She was never interested in a relationship as it might destroy the bond between her and her family, was never even close to her friends too. She considered her family as everything. Andrew did not want to ruin her bond with her family so he decided not to confess his feelings until the time was right. But the truth is Lina doesn’t feel that way. She always wanted someone to love her more than family.

    At the same time, what Lina gathered about Andrew  was  the complete truth. She knew about his shyness and discomfort when it comes to girls, that he was never interested in a relationship. But she never knew that she was the reason.

    Andrew started putting away his feelings and started looking at her as a friend. Both of them had a good time in the evenings hanging out and talking about their positives and inabilities.They got to know more and more about each other. Lina started realising that Andrew was that person who is always by her side at all times. She considered him something more than a friend.

    One day after school, Lina called out to Andrew and asked him if he was free for lunch that weekend. After a moment of silence, he said yes. She told him that it was a family lunch and that she wanted to introduce him to his family. She seemed pretty excited about it but Andrew was a little worried about how it might turn out to be.

    Andrew couldn’t sleep that night thinking about the lunch all the time. No one has ever invited him to lunch and he’s scared that he cannot face her parents comfortably. He kept thinking about a way to overcome his shyness for a day.

    Lina called Andrew at around 10AM in the morning and told him that she’d come to his house to pick him up for the lunch in another fifteen minutes as they had to travel quite a long distance. Andrew was almost shivering and wasn’t really feeling comfortable. He quickly dressed up, put on his blazer, came down to the road and waited for Lina to pick him up.

    As he was waiting, a sedan-class car approached him. He didn’t realize that it was Lina’s car. She lowered the window and asked him to hop in. Lina, her parents and her sisters were in the car already. Andrew had to adjust in the last seat with one of Lina’s sister. Andrew felt a bit uncomfortable sharing a seat with Lina’s sister whom he has never met before.

    The car drove into a huge farm house, Andrew was dumbstruck. As they hopped out of the car, one of the two sisters approached him and gave him a small piece of paper which said, “LOOK AT LINA”. When he saw Lina, he was shocked to see her in a wedding dress. He was even more confused about the situation. Without thinking about anything he complimented her dress and moved away.

    Lina and her mother went into the kitchen to prepare the lunch while her father rested in the living room listening to old classic rock songs and her sisters rushed to the television room and started watching their favourite show. Andrew had nothing to do so he started exploring the place. After about ten minutes, Lina and her mother seemed to have finished their job. Lina’s mother joined the sisters to watch the T.V. show. Andrew and Lina were sitting alone in the hall staring at the walls.

    Knowing Andrew’s shyness, Lina concluded that he wouldn’t initiate a conversation in such a situation. Lina asked him if he wanted to look around the house. He agreed and they started going into each room as Lina described her childhood memories to him. This kept them busy for about fifteen more minutes.

    At around noon, Lina’s mother called everyone for lunch. Everyone gathered at the dining hall in 5 minutes and the food was neatly arranged on the table ready to be eaten. Andrew sat beside Lina and her sister. Before everyone began having their lunch, Lina stood up and requested Andrew to stand up.

    After a minute of silence, Lina hugged him. Andrew didn’t know how to react to this and became nervous. She then said,” Happy Birthday Andrew!”. Until this moment, he didn’t realise that it was his birthday as he had been worrying about overcoming his shyness for the day. Everyone stood up and gave their gifts, except Lina. She said she had something special for later.

    This made Andrew fall in love with Lina again, He couldn’t fall back this time. He was having the best time of his life. He made up his mind to confess his feelings to Lina, but still lacked courage to do that. They had their lunch and everyone were back to their previous jobs.

    Lina and Andrew were walking along the garden having a casual conversation about school days. Andrew felt that this was his opportunity to confess his feelings. While he was walking along thinking about how to confess, Lina stopped walking and she asked him, “Will you ever say it?”. Andrew’s face turned red, he wasn’t ready with a reply and remained silent.

    After a moment he said,” You’re the best person i’ve ever met in my life. Ever since school days, I cherished every single moment I spent with you. I still remember all the weird conversations we had. You have a great family and it was important for you to spend time and share your love with them, I didn’t want to disrupt the bond you had with your family so I tried controlling my feelings.You were always something more than a friend to me, but I was scared that I might lose your friendship too if I confessed my feelings. I’m not that good with confessing, but still I love you”. He finished his confession in a stammering voice.

    He closed his eyes and put his face down as he was scared to see her face while she responded. She came closer to him and held her palms on his cheeks and gave him an approval kiss. Lina’s sisters and her parents were delighted at the sight and started cheering for their young love.

    Andrew was almost fainting and was sweating hard in nervousness. Lina hugged him and said,” I will always love you!”. This was the best birthday Andrew has ever had. He started overcoming his shyness and started becoming bolder with Lina’s guidance. She considered him to be perfect the way he was. Rather than a disruption in the bond between Lina and her family, it grew stronger with Andrew. They enjoyed the rest of their school life and had a happy life thereafter.

  • After her last conversation

    After her last conversation

    After her last conversation of the night (which was more of a fight), she turned her phone off and laid on her bed, clutching to her bare soul. It had been a long day and she had met with nothing but disappointments. The disappointments were from people. From the ones she thought were her friends, from the ones she thought could be trusted, from the one who has her ‘The one’

    As she turned to the left side of the bed, a tear drop from her right away rolled sideways from her eye to the pillow. She couldn’t hold that any longer. She let her tears and her thoughts flow. A tornado of thoughts was revolving in her mind.

    Even after pouring my heart out to the wrong people every time, I get the lesson to not trust them again but still my soul starts searching for an angel who could appear out of nowhere. Why? Why is it too tough for people to behave like normal human being?

    She didn’t know the answer herself but she still expected a magic. Though she was aware it is hard; amidst this world full of masqueraders finding a god is easier but a genuine human being. But she never lost hopes. She never stopped her search. Fascinated much with fairy tales’ happy endings? No one knew.

    Adding to the grief was the vulnerability which was constantly clinging on to her shoulders to find her healer. Such was her desperation that she ended up committing the same mistake again and again and it had started to go in a loop. It only got darker and deeper and tougher to come out.

    She started comparing her situation to that helpless thirsty nomad who searches for water in a desert. And when he approaches what seemed to him like water, his excitement is met with disappointment when he realizes it was but a mirage. Her disappointment was making her go crazy.

    And a miracle did happen. It was like an intuitive grasp of knowledge falling on her from the heavenly powers. Or that flow of epiphany.

    She realized that it were those people who should be pitied upon who couldn’t see the good in you. Who couldn’t see what a beautiful soul you were?

    Who had no idea that you could had given them the key to your heart had they not been an ass.

    Poor them! They will figure out one day what they lost in you and sigh. The Loss is theirs.

  • At Peace

    At Peace

    The rashes and bruises had still not gone. Her shoulder was wounded. The blouse torn. I could see the birthmark on her right shoulder clearly through the blouse. She wept. Wept, sobbed and wailed like a small child. Tears were rolling down her cheek.

    ” I am tired, Madhi. Let me sleep.”

    I remember the saree she had worn that night. A blood red one adorned with a golden border. My mother looked heavenly, just like the “Durga ma” clad in that saree. “Durga maa” is a Hindu goddess; a symbol of valour, power and strength.

    She was a goddess.

    I sat there in the floor beside her. Looked at her swollen eyes. She had cried a lot. The Kohl in her eyes had smudged. Her long tresses were beautiful. I noticed something like dust on her hair.

    “Amma, the aataa has gone into your hair. Let me dust it off for you.”

    She looked at me and seemed as if she was paralysed. She didn’t understand a word I had spoken. I got up and helped her with it.

    My favourite chicken gravy with chapatis. I can still sense the aroma. Amma had  made us a sumptuous dinner that night.

    As usual, my brother and me fought for the last leg piece. Amma got furious at us for our little fights.

    ” Why do you still behave like kids? Please  let me live in peace.”

    Peace. She wanted peace. That is what she longed for her whole life probably.

    That night was indeed a peaceful one. I couldn’t even listen to the sound of the crickets outside my room. The ticking of the hands of the clock deafened me. It was 9:00 pm. Appa was shouting. He loved quarrelling.

    ” I have gained nothing out of you! You swine!”

    Amma was sitting silently. Listening patiently. Tolerating. That is how an Indian woman had to be for her husband. Chaste. Nice. A great chef. Obedient.

     

    I have been observing for all these 25 years and  was still observing Amma. She was staring at her empty plate. I wondered,

    “God! Where does all that patience come from? She is blessed.”

    We were all sitting in the dining table. I felt bad. I was useless. Worthless. Never opened my mouth in front of Appa. He was like the Osama bin Laden of our home. He finished with his dinner and kept on complaining.

    ” The saambar is so spicy. Do you want to kill me? Why don’t you get a knife and slit my throat? Let me see how you live without me! ”

    Amma still was listening. Her face got red like a hot iron rod. I could sense that she was not patient after all.

    Suddenly, Appa went into the kitchen. He broke all the ceramic cups and plates. The kitchen floor was filled with pieces of crockery.

    He rushed into the “Puja room” and broke all the photos. The Ganesh  idol, the Murugan photo, the Shiva and the Durga idol. The Durga idol was shattered to pieces. It could not be reformed into anything again.

    Amma was still waiting there on the table. She grunted.

    ” I am leaving. I can’t live like this anymore. May you live happily alone.”

    That is when unexpected things happened. Appa started searching for something frantically. His hands went to his waist. The buckle was unfastened. Out came the belt in his hand.

    Amma was beaten by the belt that night. Appa roared.

    ” What do you think of yourself? You can esacpe so easily? ”

    I started crying. It was intolerable. The thrashing sound continued for five minutes. I sat there in the corner of the room like a rat. Amma’s blouse was torn. Appa was content. I felt shivers down my spine looking at his belt. He was advancing towards his room. He gave me a stern look.

    ” I will kill you if you ever speak back like that like that swine did!”

    I felt impatient. I was furious. I was so angry. It felt as if my brain would just explode at that moment.

    Amma was crying.

    She said something. Something I could never forget for my whole life.

    ” I am tired, Madhi. Let me sleep.”

    She walked to her bedroom. She looked so pretty in that red saaree. I asked her something stupid.

    ” Are you fine Amma?”

    ” I am at peace.”

    “Durga maa” had killed the demon “Mahishasura” and got rid of him. So impatient she was. The Goddess. It seemed Amma was never like “Durga maa”.

    Amma grabbed the pillow and lied down on the bed. I was looking at her. Sitting there on the floor.

    She never opened her eyes again. She was at peace.