Everyone says it’s better to forgive and forget what happened, then we can move on. Forgive – maybe. But forget? I wish I could. Things won’t let me.
There is no life for me. What I feel is like existing in a bleak environment, devoid of everything that gives a meaning to life. There is no house, no parents, no family, no money – nothing! There never had been; ever since he had lost his parents, the first time. Yes, the first time had been his biological parents. And the next time, it had been my foster parents.
Car accidents have become very frequent now-a-days. And these car accidents were the reason why I lost my parents twice, though in two dramatically different situations. The parents I was born to were extremely poor. We lived in the outskirts of Delhi, my father working as an industrial labourer in the city. One evening mom and dad had been out. I forget the reason, but that had been the last time I had seen them. I don’t know what exactly happened, but it amounted to this that some drunken driver had hit them from behind, killed them both and escaped. Of course he got caught later, but it had been too late then.
I was a boy of seven and had slept peacefully that night, to be taken to some tea stall by a neighbor the next morning, with the shocking news that my parents would never return again.
The neighbour was a good man, I had like him from childhood, but that day I hated him the most. He wouldn’t answer my questions, me wouldn’t listen to me; all he told me was that it was my fate to lead the life of a tea seller’s assistant from now on. And that’s what I did for three months, until I was adopted by a wealthy couple, simply because they found my face sort of similar to their dead child.
Again I had to learn surviving in a new environment, which flung at me a merciless array of new manners, rules, etiquettes and painful of all – textbooks. Now, it is true that I had always thought school would be fascinating, but the reality was far from that. I’ll skip over the details of loneliness, taunts, comments behind the back, stares and gossip. But, I was a quick learner and almost after a year, things seemed to straighten out and I began to be a bit at ease. Seven years passed. Their love was enough to make me put aside my past, move on and feel at home. They were my love, my family and probably the only human connections I had left, when another of these wretched car accidents took them away from me. This time the car was my parents’ and they crashed into a tree to avoid a drunken driver, and again the driver escaped, this time not to get caught.
Their old will was made in the name of some relative. A new one hadn’t been furnished. So I came back to the streets again, penniless and relation-less. But this time I had my degree and ample education to land me into a job. Not a very attractive one, no, but one that is enough to allow me to lead a normal life, if not a luxurious one.
Now when I think back, I feel ashamed of myself for scoffing at education. Painful a process it is, but the pain is worth it. But all the same, when I think of what I might have gained if I had my parents left, I scoff at everything else – my life, fate and this unkind world. Sometimes I feel so low, so depressed, thinking about the past, the struggle, that I want to do myself in. Or do somebody else in – murder somebody. But I don’t find anybody to murder. People have never hurt me. Their callousness has, their vices have. I am definitely going to go mad one day if I continue thinking like this, but I can’t help it.
Thoughts keep crossing my mind; I need a logical explanation for every nasty thing that happens in the world from this so called “God”.
Yes, situations have turned me into an atheist, because I can’t help wondering why people have to suffer so much. Surely, if God is so mighty and omnipotent as he is portrayed to be, then wouldn’t it be nice if he eradicates everything that is not nice? But that sort of a miracle doesn’t happen. So, either God is absent or he too has got fed up with the vices and now ignores them. I don’t know, and on second thoughts, I don’t even want to know.
Therefore, what I think needs to be done is this – men have to take their responsibilities themselves and try to curb off the menaces. The idea of murder still allures me. Wouldn’t the world become a better place if each person murders something evil everyday? For example, if I murdered the greed within me today and tomorrow you murdered the lust within you and similarly one by one, all the evil gets murdered, one day the world will be free of children, who are none but corruption, theft, smuggling, rape and the lot. A world free of them would be nothing less than heaven.
So, come let’s start working on this project right from today. Come, let’s murder somebody within us.
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