‘What just Happened ?‘ I thought to myself as I wiped off the blood smeared all over my mouth. Why were these people chasing me and my siblings?
It was an ordinary Saturday morning, My parents and Oldest sister got ready for work and left home at around 7:30 in the morning, while me and my siblings got ready for school. The reason I say oldest sister is because I have another sister, Belle who is a year older than me. Luna is the oldest and is six years older than me, she is old enough to work and is really smart although she doesn’t feel that she is. And finally there’s Sam, my younger annoying brother who is nothing but a nuisance.
The three of us walk to and from school since its nearby so our parents aren’t really THAT overprotective of us. But today, on our way back…..nothing happened. As usual we reached home on time and Luna was there too, she gets off of work early on Saturdays. Our parents are really busy and barely have time for us, they have four children to raise after all. Not like we mind it, we have each other as company. So mom and dad wouldn’t be coming home until later that night and that wasn’t a problem. But at around 5:30 in the evening, there’s a knock at the door. Three Consecutive Knocks that sounded really powerful. Luna looked through the keyhole and saw four tall-bulky men wearing black suits. She immediately tried calling mom and dad, but they didn’t pick up. ‘Knock Knock Knock‘. They knocked again, this time more intensely. My sister put the chain lock on the door and said “What is it ?“. She didn’t open the door just yet, They already knew we were inside since the TV volume was loud so there was no use pretending we weren’t home. “…….” They didn’t reply. A deafening Silence filled the room. At this point, Belle is trying to get in touch with our parents or any adult. But none of the calls seemed to be going through. It’s almost as if the cell service had been blocked. Sam seemed completely unfazed, most of the time it’s his older sisters that deal with problems and to him, this time won’t be any different. Luna decided not to open the door, it was chain locked as well as double locked with a key. There’s no way they’d be able to open it……..but they did. The next few minutes passed by so slowly that it still sends shivers down my spine. As one of the men attempted to turn the door handle , Luna stepped away from the door. ‘BANG ‘ He had just attempted to kick the door and tried to open it by force. The other men stepped in to help him.
With four people, the door would be open in no time.
-To be continued
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Hi Samantha! This is a very interesting piece of fiction – the beginning hook is very attention grabbing. The details of the story are great and the story-line is captivating. However, there is some lack with regards to grammar and structure; there is some unnecessary capitalization as well as usage of quotation marks. As well, there is a lack of appropriate tags and image. With a few changes, this thrilling piece will be perfect!
Hey Samantha!
The initial lines of this piece immediately captured my attention, evoking a sense of mystery and danger. The provision of adequate background information kept me fully engaged in the story. The impending peril grew increasingly tangible with the entrance of the four imposing figures dressed in black suits, creating an atmosphere brimming with suspense. Your masterful use of descriptive elements, such as the forceful knocks and the protagonist’s blood-smeared mouth, adds a vivid and unsettling layer to your narrative. The conclusion leaves me in suspense, yearning to discover what lies ahead. All in all, I am thoroughly impressed by your ability to construct intrigue, and I eagerly anticipate the continuation of this captivating tale.