Deciding on something big is probably, the most “stressing out” activity out there.
For a full length of four years all I’ve been worried about is what I will do next. Collage was not a big deal for me when I completed my high school with science and computer science. I had never thought of how I wanted to look as an adult, as a professional.
If it weren’t for my father then maybe I would still be going around circles trying to crack good engineering collages; at this point only I will let you know that I was never a good student. I did have a decent brain but was too lazy to use it.
One sunny day while I was preparing for boards my father suddenly called up and told me to opt designing for collage, “You are not fit to be an engineer”. This fuelled my anger to a new level and I ended up crying badly about it; Studying science meant that these students will at least give engineering entrances. My hostel wardens and friends who had rarely seen me cry, awkwardly tried to calm me down. The wardens even spotted my phone’s charger but decided that that was not the right time to confiscate it; phones were not allowed in my school’s hostel.
Finally after not much efforts, I joined a good enough designing collage. Reckon I had tried a little harder, I would’ve been in an even better one. But that is all in the past. The thought that has been eating me up for quite a lot of time now is what I will be doing after this.
Contrary to my past self, the present ‘me’ is full of clear cut goals and dreams. But one that is still hazy… what exactly was I supposed to become? So I decided to casually go around asking people what they wanted to do.
Knowing other people’s career option might give me some insight into what all is out there. Of course I surfed the net but that didn’t help much. “Did you decide upon it yet?” the first person I asked was by default my closest friend who is also my classmate. “Aah! Not that discussion again!
My mom has been beating me down on the phone to try and make me decide quickly. It’s so frustrating. I mean this is a big thing right? How can I just do it so quickly! I-“and she did not stop for the next few minutes. I kept listening and nodding, smiling once in a while. I should have known better. We were friends because we were similar and she was way more tensed up than me.
After finishing our breakfast we rushed to our class where the teacher had already started taking attendance. “Me?” I had another close friend in the class. I was not in much favor about how he worked. If I had to explain it then I would say that he had no work ethics. But that is not related here, his answer was what I had expected already. “Maybe a photo journalist” he had decided this already a year before and since then never wavered much.
His photography was good but there many more things that needed to be taken care of and every time I would list down those things his defensive shell would come out and the argument would never end with a conclusion.
“I will just get married to a rich man” well… this category of students is always out there. Not much to talk about with them and so the search continued.
Many had decided but more than many were unsure. I never expected so many of them to be on the same boat as me. Soon the day ended and my roommate who is an early sleeper pulled a blanket over her head and started texting from under it.
October nights on hilly regions is simple. Mornings are hot and nights are cold. I went to the washroom to brush my teeth while still calculating what all data I had found in the whole day. There was just one person left and then the graph to my answers was ready.
“What do you want to do after this?” looking straight in the mirror, I asked myself softly. “Sleep” my reflection replied back.
I chuckled softly and then climbed in my bed feeling more relaxed than I had been for some time. I decided to not decide yet. It was true that we were all pressed for time. Graduation was approaching followed by campus placement followed by a tough life maybe, but that did not mean that I needed to force myself to decide. Maybe I will just wait for my heart to decide on something and then pursue it sincerely. That would be the best option any day.
I learnt one more thing that day. We are all living the same life. Our stories might be different but what doesn’t change is our cycle from birth to death. So it is safe to assume that if you are feeling scared, there is definitely more than a bunch of people out there who are just as much scared, maybe even more. It is up to you as to how you take your challenges.