On the foggy winter night of December 31, a 5’7″ athletic man wearing a peach hoodie and blue pants holds his black American travel suitcase and blue suitcase. Drenched in sweat, he ran to himself. train which was about to depart from Platform 1 of Ahmedabad railway station.. The train was supposed to leave the station at 3:10 AM and reached the station at 3:12 AM when he ran towards his train he saw him leaving the platform . He left the platform within five minutes and could not catch his train. It was the second time in his life that he missed the train. When he missed the train, he was disappointed and disappointed because he swore that after missing the train don’t lose another one. first train It was the last train to Mumbai in the early afternoon and the next flight was at 4.20 pm. There was a strike, so many trains were either canceled or delayed. It wasn’t just the thought of missing the train, it was something else. He sat down on a chair and placed the travel bag on the chair and the suitcase on the floor of the platform. He was sitting there, bent over, head down, hands on his head, looking at the floor. Suddenly, a familiar voice said from behind something he couldn’t make out but felt very close, “Please leave your bags on the floor, I’d like to sit on the chair?” He looked up to see who it was. He pulled the bag to his side to keep it on the ground. “Is she…? Those thick, jet-black hairs, those dark, resolute eyes. A girl with soft chubby cheeks, round lobed ears, a childlike fresh voice, and a short, chubby frame. is it really her? – he asked himself. He put his bag down. The girl came and sat on the left side of the chair. She was wearing black leggings with a pink hat. She had two pieces of luggage with her. She, too, had recognised him and been struck dumb, for she had not expected to see him there, and so had been taken aback to see his face when he turned. The truth was that she merely preferred to appear unfamiliar to him. She just didn’t want to pretend she knew him.
Her black Noise earbuds were in her ears as she had an on-call conversation. – Yes, I got on the train, let me settle first, then I will call you. – Oh, in that case, she is lying to her family maybe sister or maybe some guy… She hung up and put the headphones back into the black case. There was a dead silence between them for a few minutes, then he thought about breaking the silence.
He grabbed his Sprite bottle and broke the seal and was about to drink it when he heard a voice say, “You’re getting cold!” “Oh, actually I forgot to buy a bottle of water and my throat is dry. , so I thought about drinking it.” Without saying a word she took out her water bottle and offered it to him which he immediately accepted as if he was impatiently waiting for it, while drinking the water he suddenly said: – “You should have asked me for water.” “How important is that to you?” Handing her the bottle, he continued, “I asked for it and went on, but all my pleadings were in vain.” She understood the context he was alluding to, but she stayed silent.. “Thank you for water and I’m sorry for what I said I forgot I can’t say now. I’m going to the store and get a cup of coffee, would you like that?” “How important is this to you? how are you You just don’t care about me. Don’t you dare show me your false concern. You just care about how much you want to say, no matter what situation someone is in. What do you know about what I’ve been through? Are you interested in something? You only care about your male ego. This is all you need to show the people you love that they believe in you no matter what you do. Just go get your coffee and don’t think I’m sitting here willingly. All the other seats are either broken or very dirty and I saw a man sitting in that seat but to my horror it was you and it is the only seat. I won’t bother you too much and I’ll be leaving in a few minutes. I’m only sitting here because my leg is hurt. So please have fun! ” She was tired and couldn’t breathe because when she fell down the steps of the platform, she fell right on her stomach and hurt her neck. He sat there trying to comfort her, but she was in no mood to do so. “Don’t you dare touch me! Please go get your precious coffee.” That would be my best concern. Just go.” For the comfort of her, he stopped caressing her back and instead just sat there and stared at her. After a little while, he turned to his right, unzipped his bag, and after a brief search, pulled out a cool pack that hadn’t yet been opened. He gave it to her after opening it in front of her so she could apply it to the spots that were developing on her neck. She hesitated at first, but then she took it and placed it to her neck, feeling relieved. He walked to the station shop and bought a coffee while she applied the cool pack. When he returned, he placed the coffee in between them. She grabbed the coffee and took a sip…
[Stay tuned in for the next part. Please do give honest feedback or you can write to me at authorrish01@gmail.com . Thank you for your time to read this.]
Login with Google
A couple who don’t seem to have any transparency between each other will cross paths again.
Short-summary-
This story titled ‘Relentless and Forever’ revolves around two main characters. The story begins by showing the man feeling dejected due to a missed train at the railway station and his reaction to such an event. There seem to be no further details regarding our first main character introduced into the plot.
The man’s despair is alleviated abruptly with the entrance of our second main character in the story. This is a woman that the man seems to have known deeply in the past. The body language and behaviour of the two characters suggest that they cared for each other at one point in time but have parted ways for some undisclosed reason. Further reading will give us a more precise image that the repressed emotions between the two are quite evident through their words and expressions.
Praise –
The story has vivid descriptions of the scenery and the characters involved, which certainly helps readers create a beautiful image. The suspense towards revealing certain key aspects regarding the characters involved and where this story is headed can also be appreciated.
Criticism –
The biggest problem with the writing is the poor usage of grammar and the English language. Common phrases of the language have been used unnecessarily quite often. The simple understanding of ‘tenses’ in English has been avoided. The sentence formation and transitioning words between sentences are also entirely non-existent. The story seems to be choppy rather than smooth reading.
Another problem would be the conversations involved in the story itself. They seem rather surface-level, which makes one feel like the characters do not have any depth or character.
Recommendation –
With the current stage at which the story is, the reviewer would not encourage the author to proceed further without honing his/her understanding of the English language and story-writing. Several errors that are present in this story can be immediately mitigated by reading books and articles on a daily basis. Taking inspiration from other fiction novels will go a long way in improving your presentation style.
Thanks for the feedback. It really was a comprehensive story review. I assure you of working on it in the coming parts. Thanks for giving your valuable time.
The REVIEW:
The Platform” is a short story that captures a chance encounter between two individuals on a railway station platform. Set against the backdrop of a missed train and a strike, the story explores the complex dynamics between the characters as they navigate their emotions and interactions.
The author paints a vivid picture of the scene, using detailed descriptions to bring the setting and characters to life. The athletic man, clad in a peach hoodie and blue pants, is portrayed as determined yet disappointed, having missed his train for the second time in his life. His encounter with the girl, with her distinct physical features and black leggings with a pink hat, adds an air of intrigue to the story.
The story delves into the characters’ internal thoughts and feelings, providing glimpses into their emotional states. The girl’s initial attempt to appear unfamiliar to the man creates tension, hinting at a deeper connection between them. Through their dialogue and inner monologues, the author explores themes of missed opportunities, regret, and the complexities of human relationships.
The story captures a range of emotions, from disappointment and frustration to tentative moments of connection. The dialogue between the characters is realistic and reveals their contrasting perspectives. The man’s attempt to bridge the silence and the girl’s guarded response create a palpable sense of tension and longing.
Symbolism is subtly woven into the narrative, such as the significance of water and the offering of comfort through a cool pack. These symbolic elements deepen the emotional resonance of the story and add layers of meaning to the characters’ interactions.
The narrative style is engaging, drawing readers into the characters’ experiences and thoughts. The author effectively conveys the internal conflicts and desires of the protagonists, leaving room for readers to contemplate the underlying motivations and complexities of their relationship.
“The Platform” presents a brief but evocative snapshot of a chance encounter, leaving readers with a sense of curiosity and anticipation. The story explores themes of missed opportunities, emotional connections, and the vulnerabilities that accompany human interactions. With its well-crafted descriptions and nuanced exploration of emotions, “The Platform” offers a poignant and thought-provoking reading experience.
Hey author, I checked out your story “Relentless and Forever” on Storieo. The plot revolves around a chance encounter between two characters on a train platform. The descriptions and emotions are well-captured, and the symbolism adds depth. However, there are some grammar and language issues that need improvement. The conversations could use more depth and natural flow. Overall, it’s an intriguing story, but work on refining your language and character development. Keep writing and polishing your skills!