Ah! Another night has come, my shrink will probably tell me to drag through somehow. No. Isn’t it what the woman said?
Hmm. I wonder! That woman speaks quite a lot actually. I don’t keep track. I have others things to do, you know!

The room is dark, the small light from the electric mosquito mat burns bright. Though it is, really just a tiny orange spot. Like an eye of a monster. Adorable isn’t it. The Monster. The Monster of death is watching me. That is at least what I will like to believe.
Time to go a bit back in the memory lane.

Let’s see, when it all started! Yes, yes. The night, that lovely night when I got raped. No? You say nothing like that actually happened to me.

Oh, you naughty, naughty person. Can’t this creature even imagine something by her own-self. You, all of you, always tries to invade my thoughts. You say, I always talk of death!

Oh, why! Yes, I do.
I don’t know what is wrong with that. You say, it is gruesome. Dear, but it is gruesome and I like it.

Good! You are beginning to get scared.
Ah, where was I again?

Night, night. Yes, that night. Oh, no no! It was actually a morning. My wrong. Oops!

What was the name of that hospital? Let me think. Ah, yes yes. Something with ‘D’. Death again. Ooh, my darling does not want to leave me alone.

Okay, okay. No distractions. No distractions.

The ambience was so sterile, so clinical. I draw the breath deep within myself. Smells of fresh death. Oh my, I can make a joke.

Fresh and death. Fresh and death.
Dead, may be.
Oh, no no. I was lost in my reverie again.
Concentrate! Concentrate!

The time was 10:30 AM. Good Morning. Morning. Or may I say a very bad, rotten and dead morning to you. I will smirk. Yes, I will.
Mother, Father and I, were waiting outside the chamber. Waiting to meet my new psychiatrist. Someone has gone inside before me. Hmm, I can hear a vague whimpering. Something about, no someone to asking another politely to speak. Can they remember, Ranji is her daughter? 

“Ma, it is me. Rajni.”

“Rajni. It is okay. Let me write in some more medicines for her. Please check in with the hospital before leaving.”

“What will it matter? She is already half dead.”
I felt good. I felt happy. Dead. Dead. She is half dead.

Oh, no. I feel sad. Very sad. She is only half of the dead. Not full. Not full.
So not happy. Sad. Very sad.
My turns come. Mother, began to cry. Father, wrapped a hand around her shoulder.
I smiled.
I love to see my mother crying.
Drop! Drop! Drop! The tears fall.
So beautiful. She felt a sharp pain. I know she was.
I love pains. Especially sharp, aches, piercing, gushing. 
Drip! Drip! Drip!
I am happy.
She prescribed me some medicines too.
I am happy. Is that meant, I am half dead too? Lovely.
No! No! I am not able to conceive the thoughts anymore. I has been three weeks.
Sad! Sad! I am very sad.

I stop taking the pills.
Bad. Bad pills.
Back to the present. Back to the present.
Adjacent to my room is my parents. Mother and father are lying on their bed. Still. Very still.
I put them to sleep. They will never wake up again.

Lull to them to death. See, there is my sense of humour again.
Oh, what is that? Yes, yes. The sound of a heavy truck. One often goes by the street next to our house.
Whenever they pass by our house. I imagine, my body, naked, bare lying on the tarmac. The truck comes. My head gets crushed under its wheels. Blood, brain, organs, eyes popped out. No. No. Not figuratively.
Ding! Ding! Ding!
Time is 1 AM at night.
Deep in night.

The clocks strikes and the pendulum goes mad. Like me. So, silly me. I can make myself laugh.
Time to close my eyes.
Dark. Everything got dark.
I raised my right hand. A knife is clasped in that hand.
Shiny blood is coverings is sharp edge.

You ask whose blood is this?
Not is. It is ‘are’.
Oho. Of course of my mother’s and father’s.
Silly, you.
Now! Now!

I brought the hand with the knife down on my chest.
Pain. Unbelievable pain.

And I am loving it.
Not half dead. Not half dead.
Full. Full.