Author: Tahreem Fatima

  • Trying Not To Love You

    Trying Not To Love You

    "Ghost of love past, yet it's ever-present."

    Maybe there is just something about firsts that makes them so precious to us. Our first job, first car, first house – we can hardly forget them. In the same way, your first love is something that you always remember.

    But what happens when it goes away? When you're left alone, trying to make your way out of the dark? And is it possible that it actually happen? Can you ever truly get over your first love?

     

     

    He walks in and as soon as he sees me, his whole face lights up. His smile turns up the corners of his eyes and his eyebrows, which are naturally arched so that he always looks surprised, curve up even more. If it was anybody else, that face would be downright comical. And yet, I'm grinning from ear to ear for a completely different reason. He ironically extends his hand for me to shake and I give him a look of sheer irritation, which gets to him. He sits down right next to me, so close that our legs are touching, and puts an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer. I'm leaning on him and I'm so pleased to find that his heart is pounding, if not more, then at least as much as mine. He gives my shoulder a tight squeeze and grips it more firmly.

    "You're so thin." He remarks gleefully.

    I burst into laughter and turn to find him smiling, dark eyes twinkling with amusement.

    God, even his eyes smile.

    "You're one to talk!" I say sarcastically and he immediately turns his gaze to the floor in mock embarrassment. He's still smiling and I rest my head on his chest. I could certainly get used to this.

    Being the sneak that I am, I choose this precise moment to check Dan's reaction and his mouth is set in a firm line, jaw rigid, narrowed eyes watching Sean and me. I should be delighted, but instead I feel nervous and uneasy. I snuggle closer.

    Dan strums his guitar, eyes focused on the strings with an intensity that could set the guitar on fire, fingers moving deftly, and I sit up straight. Sean loosens his hold on me but I don't care. Dan starts to hum softly and bam! All the work I did, all the time I spent trying to forget him, all the effort I put in- bam, one split second, and it's all gone to waste. I'm hooked to his voice and I can feel my face going crimson.

    Ghost of love past, yet it's ever-present.

    Moments like these make me realize how and why I fell in love with him in the first place. And then I never want to forget that feeling.

    I feel Sean look towards me several times during the song but I cannot look at anything that isn't Dan Reynolds. He flips his head thrice- and yes, I'm keeping count- to look my way and I want to crawl into a hole. Or get struck by lightning, because being caught gawking at him while I'm trying to make him jealous? Trust me, it’s not very elevating.

    But because he's Dan and because he's the only one with that kind of power, he's got me captivated by one look, one strum of the guitar strings, one word from his mouth and I realize that he can see right through my pretence. He knows I'm doing this on purpose to make him resentful, it's right there in his eyes. And it must be in mine too, because Sean has moved his arm to the back of the bench, away from my shoulders.

    When he's finished singing, he looks straight into my eyes, burning me with his gaze. I look away first.

    "Sean, why don't you sing something?" I try to sound casual but a fun fact? I sound nothing like myself when I'm tense. My voice is strangely high-pitched, shrill and a clear indication of how I'm feeling. Or it is to Dan, anyway.

    Sean says something like he couldn't follow up that or he isn't that good, but when Dan hands him the guitar, rather forcefully, I should point out, he doesn't hesitate and shifts so that his hands are in that perfect, guitar-playing position, neck lowered to look at the strings.

    Sean is in stark contrast to Dan when it comes to playing and singing. Dan can make anybody fall into his music, and then scald them with his passion while Sean loses himself, and it's a joy to watch, the way he closes his eyes and moves his long, thin fingers methodically, every move perfected by years of practising.

    He starts to sing and Oh. My. God. He takes my breath away. Every fiber of me is tingling with awareness, and I've got goose bumps on my skin. I'm unable to move, lost in the trance created by his voice, eyes flickering from his face to his fingers and then back again, unable to decide where I want to look. I rest my chin on my fist, unconsciously biting my lip. I'm staring at him, not even blinking because I'm afraid to miss any move he makes. I want this version of him to always be etched in my memory. As he's about to finish, his eyes find mine and my hands go numb. I have to remind myself to inhale and then exhale because this guy has made my brain and my heart forget even that. He's left me totally breathless.

    He concludes and while I'm still staring shamelessly, he's got an almost shy smile on his face. In all the time I've known Sean, I don't remember him being shy even once. He looks at me, expecting a reaction probably, but I don't think I can give him one. He's made me incapable of forming coherent thoughts.

    Then after what could be anything between split seconds to several hours, he reaches out and tugs on my chin, pulling my bottom lip free from my teeth.

    I didn't even realize I was still biting my lip and I'm pretty sure I gasp. But maybe I don't because he gives my cheek a light, teasing punch. His eyes are shining, full of emotions that I can't read, except for that unmistakable smile.

    I'm not sure if I'm exaggerating his effects on me to get over Dan, or if they really are that profound, but either way, Sean Anderson has bowled me over.

    We sit there staring at each other, stunned hazel eyes to mystifying dark, dark brown. A smile is still playing on his lips though, I know it because his smiles always begin at his eyes, and he's presumably trying not to erupt into a full-out beam. In a few moments though, he gives in. But it's not his toothy grin that I'm rewarded with. This little smile seems to be an extension of the shy version of Sean I met earlier.

    Before I can dwell on it, Dan clears his throat, pulling us both out of our reverie. I reflexively turn towards him and when I notice the look on his face, I forget the guy sitting centimeters away from me.

    Dan's eyes are squinting, eyebrows furrowed at me as if he doesn't recognize the person he's seeing.

    And then I'm no longer daydreaming.

    I'm drowning in guilt and shame.

  • If You Go, I Go

    If You Go, I Go

    When unavoidable circumstances push two best friends apart, they miss each other like pieces of their own soul. But now the tables have turned and their destinies get intertwined again. As the uncertainties and nervousness surrounds them when they are to meet each other after ages, the heat of their young love has now started to burn them, of which both of them yet seem ignorant.

    The adventure they'd planned seems like a long shot. The gloomy, turbulent weather is no match to the storm that grows inside their hearts, with every second they spend drowning in each other's eyes. 

    Can they go through the scintillating escapade they met up for? Or will nerves get the better of them?

     

    It was an extremely cold night. The wind was howling, the clouds that had been causing a severe downpour had paused momentarily, and now loomed overhead, threateningly quiet. The tree leaves fluttered ominously, making it seem as though there was someone hiding in the shadows.

    Everything around her had the makings of a depressing, haunting night.

    And yet, there she was, skipping down the deserted street with a huge smile plastered onto her face, unaware of the gloominess of her surroundings. Or aware, but blissfully ignorant still.

     

    Her tremendously overprotective mother had raised an eyebrow when she first told her where she was going.

    “At this hour?” She had questioned.

    “Of course.”  The girl reminded. “Don’t you remember? It’s what we used to do, isn’t anything new.”

    Begrudgingly, she’d agreed to let her go, but not without one final instruction just as she was ambling down the porch, about to leave the house.

    “Remember, caution is key. Don’t throw it to the wind.” Her mother had called out from behind her, wearing a pensive expression. The words that she lived by, her mantra, almost. Obviously, they made no sense to her.

    She had merely waved back at her, silently wondering whatever on earth made her mother swear by such a meaningless statement.

    If I weren’t so reckless already, mother, with the speed of the wind, my caution is bound to be thrown anyway.

     

    She had been waiting for this night for several months, although to her, it had seemed like a lifetime. Her life had been aimless as of late. All the goings-on had gotten to be too much and when the opportunity had presented itself in the form of a badly scrawled letter, she was more than willing to take the route towards an escape. She hadn’t remembered how grim it was, but that was beside the point.

    She walked down the slippery path, soon reaching the sodden main road. She continued with a slight hop in her step and turned left as soon as she reached the first traffic signal. It surprised her how well she still remembered the way because she hadn’t been to it in years.

    There was hardly any sound except for the trees and the wind, and she mused what the rest of the neighbourhood was up to. The recently perpetual rain and the stormy weather had made it appear to be a ghost town. As the soon that thought crossed her mind, she started to move quickly. She really wasn’t keen on the idea of ghosts. She knew plenty of spectres in the real world as it were. Other worldly spirits would hardly make things better.

    Making no sound, she leapt up the derelict white picket fence with utmost ease. When she was younger though, it was an entirely different tale. Back then, it had felt like such a task. She practically had to climb up the barely three and half foot boundary, making it seem like the Everest.

    She crept up the side of the now-abandoned house and waded across the damp, shin-deep weeds and wild, untamed grass. As she passed through the backyard, she couldn’t help peering inside what used to be the outrageously large living room. She had grown up there just as much as she had in her own house.

    She reached the rickety and dilapidated back gate. It was a miracle it was still standing, surviving the storm and torrential rain. She fished the spare key she owned out of the back pocket of her jeans and flung it open. She doubted whether it would still work but as soon as the key turned in the lock, the suspicion slipped away.

    The trail looked the same as it always had; giving her the impression that it hadn’t been centuries since this chapter of her life was over. Muddy, nearly hidden by the overgrowth of wildflowers and mysterious under the night sky – it was basically screaming out adventure.

    She wasn’t sure what to expect and she didn’t know how she was supposed to react.

     

    What if he doesn’t even show up? She contemplated.

    Worse, what if he shows up and doesn’t recognize me?

    Don’t be silly, of course he’ll recognize you. Who else knew about this place anyway?

     

    As she chided herself for having a dialogue within her mind, she noticed the woods thickening around her. The branches hung low and she writhed past them, enduring scratches and scrapes, motivated only by what she expected to see on the other side. Rather, who she expected to see.

    The moonlight was hardly illuminating her path; the trees formed a canopy overhead and blocked it out so she relied only on her other senses to get her beyond the foliage.

    After several minutes of struggle, the copse started to thin out and she could, at long last, make out the pathway. The soil on the ground was dank, her feet almost sank in, but all her doubts were put to rest as she spotted a pair of footprints. Her eyes followed the imprints, a little bit larger than her own feet, leading up to the cliff.

    Her breath caught in her throat as she looked towards the lone figure with his back to her, spotlighted by the glow of the moon. It felt like she was in one of her dreams. She stared for a few moments, at a complete loss.

    He really had come.

    As if he sensed her presence, he turned around, squinting in the darkness, trying to make out who she was. Only then, under his inquisitive gaze, did she realize how chilly it was. She scolded herself for forgetting to bring her coat – how typical of her, excitement making her take leave of her senses. Her bare arms were covered in chills that she felt on the back of her neck as well.

    He looked different, she remarked, as he stood rooted to the ground, a stunned expression spread over his face, but as soon as he comprehended who she was, a grin broke out on his face and there he was – the same boy she had spent her entire childhood with. His smile was unchanged. It was still pure, dazzling, and honest to god. And it still took her breath away.

     Shivering, she wrapped her arms around herself and it seemed to kick him into action. Getting over his astonished daze, he moved forward, shrugging out of his coat and holding it out to her. That was another thing that hadn’t changed, she noted, he was ever the gentleman.

    When she didn’t make an attempt to take it from him, quietly staring, he gave her a chastising look, much like the old times, when he would catch her running too fast, or climbing up trees across precariously thin branches.

    “You’re cold, take it.”

    “Hey, it’s still me.” He urged with a chuckle.

    Reluctantly, she accepted his coat and slipped it on. The good mood she had left her house with had now turned into a dull ache, making her remorseful over all the years she had lost. She struggled to meet his eyes.

    When he stepped closer though, her eyes immediately shot up. He was approaching her warily. Up close, he looked even better. The years had been kind to him.

    “You’re still so beautiful.” He breathed.

    “You’re still so tall.” She countered and a knowing smile turned up the corners of his mouth.

    “Aren’t you going to hug me? It’s been seven years since the last time we met.” He teased and immediately, she started to relax, disregarding her hesitation.

    She rolled her eyes at him and closed the space between their bodies. He engulfed her in his arms, so tight that she was having trouble breathing but she couldn’t bring herself to complain. Instead, she was grinning like a loon.

    Several beats later, he loosened his grip and just as she thought he was going to let her go, he lifted her off her feet, spinning her around. She let out a squeal as she clung on to his arms to keep from falling, and he was laughing loudly.

    “Ah! Put me down!” She shrieked.

    Finally, he obliged, smiling a toothy smile and it was infectious.

    “I’ve missed you like anything.” He told her.

    “I can see that. I did too.”

    He arched a brow.

    “Doesn’t look like it.”

    “Because I couldn’t possibly pick you up?!” She sneered and he shook his head.

    “You have not changed one bit.”

    “I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

    “And did you just bring me out here to harass me or are we actually going down there?” She added, gesturing towards the cliff.

    “Impatient as ever, we’ll go there in a minute. There’s something I brought you.”

    “Not one of your fake, rubber lizards, I hope?”

    She was terrified of lizards and he always took advantage of that fact, pulling numerous, elaborate pranks involving rubber lizards. Needless to say, those petrified her too.

    He smirked at her as he moved towards the woods, emerging with a plastic bag, only moments later.

    She crossed her arms, pursing her lips as she waited for him to begin his show and tell project.

    He held up the plastic bag and with a boyish, shy smile, pulled out a pack.

    She moved closer to get a better look and a gasp escaped her lips when she saw what he had brought for her.

    “Pineapple gummies?” She breathed.

    “They’re still your favourite, aren’t they? Or did I drive for two hours for absolutely nothing?” He asked, a grimace marring his soft, sincere expression.

    Her eyes, wide as saucers, flicked from the gummies to him and then back again.

    “How on earth did you remember this?!” She squawked in delight.

    He looked at her for a couple of seconds before replying. “I remember everything about you.”

    She stood there, not quite sure how she was supposed to respond.

    “Right, we’ll binge on these when we get back. Are you ready?” He asked, quickly shattering the delicate moment.

    It took her a second to break out of her reverie.

    “Of course. For this, I’d be ready in my grave.” She answered with a smile.

    He led her to the edge of the cliff and just then, there was a loud crack of lightning. Tiny droplets of rain began to descend and the long-lost friends looked to each other.

    “If you go, I go?” She vowed uncertainly, their promise from years ago.

    “If you go, I go.” He agreed and together, they started to inch their way down the cliff.

     

    It was their secret; they had been doing it long before they could be considered remotely capable of it. Their parents knew that they were best friends, hence inseparable, so they had all been fed the lie of them being at the movie theater, when in fact, they were getting their fix of adrenaline. Not to mention, it was an extremely dangerous activity and every time they did it, they potentially risked both of their lives.

    They didn’t have a choice of course; it was how they got their kicks. When most kids their age started to drink, smoke or do drugs, they went what they called ‘reverse hiking’. They used to climb down the stony cliff, clinging onto protruding boulders and ledges, until finally, they reached the grounds.

     

    Now, ages later with the weather less than suitable and years of abstention lurking in their minds, each had their own set of qualms about it. But of course, both of them put on a brave face so as not to scare the other.

    Halfway through the trek though, they started to relax, getting into it once again. Besides, by that point, most of the hazardous stuff was past them so they found no reason to worry.

    “How’d you know how to find me?” She asked, as they paused on a ridge to regain their breaths.

    He glanced over at her.

    “I just knew.”

    Trust him to be overly dramatic.

    She rolled her eyes and he burst into laughter.

    “Fine, don’t believe me but as soon as I came back into town, I knew I had to write you. I just had to see you.” He added in a gentle, earnest tone.

    “So that was why you waited all that time? Because you had to see me?” She couldn’t help the sarcastic undertone in her voice. He had no idea what she went through every single day the past seven years.

    “There wasn’t a day I didn’t think about coming back to you. I just couldn’t, you know that. It was out of my hands.” He explained.

    She let out a loud sigh, trying to keep her emotions at bay. Taking a breather at a niche in a cliff, it was scarcely the time or place for sentimental confessions.

    “I just wish you’d come back sooner.”

    “Hey, I’m here now.”

    She nodded, looking up to meet his anxious gaze.

    “Final stretch?” She questioned.

    “If you go, I go.” He said and held out his hand.

    She hooked her pinky finger in his and gave him an endearing smile.

    “If you go, I go.”