Author: Nisha Choudhary

Read part I

A few hours later I wake up in a state of frenzy. I don’t remember what really happened but I am aware that I was sad before going to sleep. I help my mom with some stuff and I later sit to study. Five minutes later, my phone beeps. It’s a text from Akshit saying “are you alright?” Although I am upset but I know it is not really his fault, so I pick up the courage and I lie “yeah, I am fine.” He asks why I ran off all of a sudden, and I start wondering if he actually is so naïve or just pretending to avoid the situation. Anyways I tell him I had a head ache , and we talk about random things after that.

The next few days, things between us are awkward. He asks several times but I don’t know what to tell him. I just feel so desperate all the time, watching him surrounded by girls waiting for him to come to me. I distance myself wishing to avoid all the hurt. A few days later, on the day of school’s annual function whole of our class has a after party at the cyber hub. I am supposed to leave with my dad who is late in picking me up. Akshit offers to wait with me, I refuse at first but then he is Akshit, it is difficult to say no. He tries to talk, we talk about school. And then there’s awkward silence between us. Out of nowhere he asks “did, I do something wrong?” I try looking confused and refuse. He doesn’t accept and keeps on forcing me to talk. I talk around the topic but he is as adamant me. In the end I give up and I don’t know how but I tell him about the day I ran off. He starts laughing and I stare in bewilderment. When he stops laughing he looks at me and says “I didn’t react because I didn’t even pay attention, I can’t imagine that kind of relationship with you, it’s a joke for me. I don’t know about you.” That gives me a certain kind of relief. Though I have so many questions, but this seems enough right now. And I am thinking about all the possibilities. He brings me back into reality. “I guess your dad’s here”. I look back and I see the car arrive, he and my dad exchange greetings. I say goodbye and get into the car. When I get to home I get into my room and I text him for the first time in a few days.

Me: Hey, reached home?

Akshit: yeah, just now, what about you?

Me: yup, so we were talking?

Akshit: yeah, I guess, its funny, you didn’t talk to me for a month for such a stupid reason, did you not think for a minute maybe I didn’t care what she thinks?

Me: my bad, anyways, you were saying something before my dad came?

Akshit: just that I don’t think of you as anything close to a sister.

Me: why so?

Akshit: now, this isn’t fair. You didn’t feel good about what she said. I didn’t ask you.

Me: why?

Akshit: you are playing smart, forcing me to say everything. Its obvious.

Me: yeah, it is.

Akshit: so, come on, now, speak up. Don’t act smart.

Me: what? What am I supposed to say?

Akshit: so, you like to play?

Me: huh?

Akshit: not in that sense, am sorry!

Me: its okay, I didn’t mind.

Akshit: so, I will be direct, why did you mind when she compared my relationship to you as a brother’s?

Me: its obvious, you know. The same reason you can’t think of me as your sister.

Akshit: talk about it.

Me: why me, though?

Akshit: since you were the one who stopped talking to me because of this idiotic reason.

Me: so its idiotic?

Akshit: no, I mean, don’t play with me.

Me: Anyways, I need to go now, its dinner time,I will see you in school. Goodnight.

Akshit: we are not done talking about this. Meet me in the bus parking tomorrow morning.

Me: okay.

Next morning, as promised I see him in the morning waiting for me. I walk up to him.

Me: hello, morning!

Akshit: (excitedly) Morning!! Let’s skip the assembly, we can talk!

Me: but how? I generally hide in the washroom, but we can’t, you know?

Akshit: we will hide in my mom’s office, come on, don’t be a coward.

Akshit’s mom was school’s administrator; she had a personal office on the first floor unlike other staff. We reached there and waited for all the students to disperse to the assembly hall. After silence falls, he starts talking,

Akshit: no more games, give up, already!

Me: Akshit, you know, that is why we are here, why don’t you give up?

Akshit: me? Oh, trust me, I have already given up. Yes, I like you and you do too, I guess?

Me: thank god!

Akshit: thank me!! So, now that we are clear, what next?

Me: what next?

Akshit: I will tell you

With this, he takes my hand and pulls me closer. I am nervous. I say “ akshit it’s your mom’s cabin, what are you doing?”. He holds me by waist and says “ Relax, mom doesn’t have camera in here. Now stay quiet and listen, Nisha Choudhary, I think you are a really cute person, I feel happy around you, I like you and I want you to be my girlfriend, do you accept?”

I just blush and nod in agreement, we both are smiling uncontrollably, he pulls me into a hug. In that moment, I feel complete for the first time in months. I had been waiting for this so long. But I had no idea it would feel like this, so bright, so exciting. After a minute he pulls back, I do the same only to find our faces touching each other, I am looking into his eyes, I have always loved his eyes, they shine like stars, at least for me. He touches my cheek and I feel the butterflies flutter in my stomach. And just like all the teenagers, I feel the adrenaline rush and so does he I guess, we both lean in, his lips touch mine and I feel myself melt, slow at first, the kiss grows deeper. I dive into the kiss, he pushes me back against the chair, his hands hold my face , I am holding him by his arms. We bite each other’s lips, his tongue finds mine, its my first kiss and funnily, its wet but heavenly. I can’t breathe but I don’t feel like stopping. But after a few moments, I pull out grasping for air and I breathe heavily, his arms still holding me, he starts laughing. I say, “yeah, go on, you can laugh, its my first, you must be experienced”. He shushes me and “ what do you think of me? Some kind of player? Its my first too. But I guess, I enjoyed more than you because I like you more”. I shut him up by forcing my lips on his again. He reverts and we kiss again before leaving for class. And just like that my first teenage crush ends up being my boyfriend.

Five years ago, when my boyfriend broke up with me, it felt like the world came crashing down. It felt as if, I was void of feeling anything in the world. We had been dating merely 2 months but the pain that my first breakup gave me still wakes me up in the middle of the night. Everyone around me is perplexed and they feel I need therapy. I keep on telling them its not so bad but honestly? It’s the worst thing I have felt I guess. Everyday since then, I have wanted to share the reason behind this but every time I think about it, the silent questions that people have in their eyes they start screaming inside my head, “this girl is crazy”, “why doesn’t she go to a therapist?” “Did something​ tragic happen in her life?” . Today I ignore those voices that hold me back as I attempt to explain everything that I feel.

Has it ever happened to you as a kid , you wake up in the morning, you see your dad is home from a trip with an amazing present for you? Five years ago, the november felt like that, the time when he started talking to me in the class. Before that , we were both invisible to each other. In fact I was invisible to everybody. He had been absent in the classes being busy preparing a dance for the annual function in the school. I am sitting in the physics class and he appears beside me and says , “have you completed your notes? I need your notebook for a day” . I just reply with a nod and hand him the notebook. He goes back to his seat. Next day he comes up to me as I enter the class, passing me the notebook he says thank you and walks back to his group. I do the same and go to my friends. The next thing I know he is smiling at me from there. Being courteous, I smile back. We start saying hello to each other every morning with a smile. Its normal for him because he is like that with everyone. For me on the other side , it felt like I was finally being noticed in the world. It changed everything. After a week or so, he asks me to teach him a topic which he wasn’t able to understand. I agree and he comes and sits with me , I feel so conscious the whole time but the girl inside me can’t stop smiling. Now since we are friends, he starts sitting with me in classes now, asking me for help on certain topics now and then . My days pass by in anticipation of sitting with him the next day. One day , he has a doubt which I can’t clear in the class, he asks for my number, I am soaring high in the sky but there is a problem, I don’t have a personal phone. Anyways, I give my mom’s second number. I go home and the first thing I do, is ask mom for a personal phone, i shout and fight until she agrees to give me the spare phone. I wait impatiently for the call , planning on what all to talk about. After about an hour sitting with the phone in my hand , it rings. I pickup and say hi in excitement , he starts asking questions, I answer and wait for it to be over soon so that I can talk about something else. When it finally gets over, he hangs up saying his mom is calling, he can’t talk. I get sad for obvious reasons and sulk in my room. At midnight, the phone rings again, I check the phone, its him. My mom shouts who is calling so late at night? I say its Vodafone and cut the call, I text him,asking  whats the matter? He replies back saying he couldn’t talk earlier so he called to talk. I text back telling him about my mom. He says he is getting bored and asks if I can talk on texts. Although I am sleepy as hell, but I can’t miss this chance, so i tuck my head inside the blanket with the phone and  start talking about our interests, hobbies, truth and dare and all the stuff you can imagine teens talking about. I write and delete , thinking what would sound interesting. We talk for 2 hours almost, I wish him goodnight hesitating whether to  add a kissing emoji in the end, he texts instead  , a good night with the ,three hearts.  My heart inflates seeing the hearts and I send the same text back. The next morning we are talking like best friends, it feels amazing, i stop myself from hugging him a dozen​ times. This goes on for days, sitting with him in the class , texting at nights. The feeling is nothing like I can express. He is the centre of my world, and for once I am the centre of someone’s world.  I start flirting , and the amazing part is I didn’t even know that part of  me existed. Every time he says something remotely close to flirting, I blush red. In school, I start hanging out with him  all the time. I can’t even look at anything else when he is around. I wait for him every day to come and sit with me. In breaks I sit with him in the amphitheatre. I feel so happy when I see people looking at us. I can’t explain what it feels like to be noticed, to be with him. We exchange messages on notebooks in between the classes. My first bunk in school, I am with him in an empty classroom just talking and I can’t stop telling my best friend all about him. One such day, I am walking around with him and one of his friends and she suddenly says something about him being my brother. I don’t know what exactly I expected from him,but  he just laughs, there’s no protest from his side. And I? I feel rejected,I feel like i have been punched hard and as if something has been snatched away from me  but I say nothing, I just leave them talking saying goodbye. I reach home and go to sleep as I feel its the only thing that could keep all the sadness off my mind………….

To be continued in the next part……….