It often confounds me as whenever I start to think how people around me would take it when they’d find out about my excessive elated face being a mere veneer to an entirely different person lying underneath. And to say the least to actually describe my “other half”, I’d just call it an unparalleled disconsolate.

From sleeping with a void in the abdomen to waking up with a heavy chest and a constantly nauseated never ending discomforted self, from the seamless desire to hold onto things to let it go and let it shatter, from painting sunny skies to sketching crying eyes,.. and as the chain evolves this loop of from and to continues.

So I dig inside, deeper into my hollowness, I find it more struggling to chase out the reason behind, I still run deeper inside, I ramble around and find a gleaming sight…. So I run and take the longest stride, I stumble and I fall. I sit and up and see the light dwindling afar and I feel a sudden chill down my spine. I get up and I shamble, my limbs tremble but I move to get out of this nothingness…. but wait,.. what for ?

I stop and realise that I have nothing to run from or to run for. I know nothing of where that light might take me. What if this night is what’s best for me, what if the light I chase is the end of me, what if this plight is what my life is destined to be.?

So I intend to stay here till I figure what this night has for me. I drown in this expanse and I am ready to stay lost in it. And I have no other option than to explore it.

So I intend to waltz and ramble, to run and fall, to fly and dive…. I intend to dive into this infinite vastness uncertain yet seemingly promising.

As my other confounded self told me once that the vastness that I swim in is the universe within.

All that I need is all that I am.

Slow indeed yet steady I am to find myself, to accept and embrace the macrocosm that I am.