I never meant to start a war. But that is where everything led to.
"I will always be there for you."
He always convinced me. And I never got convinced. I eventually knew I would never be his and only his possession.
I wanted to let it go.
I was trapped. Trapped between my heart and brain. I was caught in a cobweb.
I couldn't let it go and keeping it with me was making me eccentric.
He didn't get it. I told him. He never understood.
He was going to get married the next day. Living with another woman. I didn't have all his heart for myself. He had shared it. So much of love. I was laughing. Laughing hard. My stomach was aching. And my soul was crumbling down.
My grandpa's trembling voice seemed so sarcastic for a moment.
" Always you should share. And care for others. "
I couldn't share him with another girl. No. It was a simple no.
I heard his voice.
" Be patient. I can marry you too."
I couldn't be patient. I suddenly felt like a toy for him. Is that all he had wanted from me? Am I not more than that? Why didn't he tell me before? Is it true that all men are heartless forever and ever? I started losing all the trust I had in men. I didn't want to be a second choice for him.
My school teacher always said,
" Rina, you are one of a kind!"
She was called the sarcastic queen of our school.
I was perplexed by her remark.
"You have a beautiful soul. Never compromise with yourself. You are all that you have got. Don't go for an aam candy."
I was so confused.
Even though he was an 'aam candy' for others, he was like the best kind of chocolate available for me in the whole world.
How could I make her understand that?
Like a chasing mad dog at your feet. Like an avalanche, hitting me. He made me run. He had made my heart beat faster than ever. He was an inspiration for me.
A marriage. I had to face after a long time. I had to change my mind. I needed whisky this time. Cigarettes were not enough for my soul. Maybe weed would have been a better way to get away with this.
" Please let me go."
He sounded worried. He suddenly seemed selfish.
" I will feel void. With nothing left. Please don't leave me."
I was never a Homo sapien. I had a heart made of an unknown substance. Constantly forgiving. I didn't want him to get hurt all life. Because of me. But he had another woman for him. He never told me until I had got to know about her one day.
I was falling in a deep well. I didn't have anyone to hold me. I was free. Free from any heart or soul who could control me.
The song 'Saware' by Arijit Singh. Was again echoing in my mind.
I just wished if I would have met him before. The greed would have been less. I was burning inside. The ashes were left now. My tongue was paralyzed. I couldn't speak. My lips felt dry. I was feeling choked. My lungs were getting bigger day by day. Asking for more oxygen. And my heart was seeming to get smaller than my fist day by day. I could keep only him safe in there. But not him with another woman.
The earphones plugged deep into my ears had always been like the best stethoscope ever discovered on earth. A song is all that I needed.
Or a game like the 2048. I was thinking so much about him. My brain would have exploded any time. The two and four blocks kept moving on the screen. I had some spring attached to my thumb. My thumb was not stopping. The blocks of the game kept accumulating. It was on an endless mode. I had reached 8192. A new high score.
I was a winner. On a endless mode of 2048. I had reached only 8192. I had to reach 16384. And then I don't know which number. I was struggling to be patient.
The spider had spun such a beautiful cobweb. So hypnotising. The ladybird couldn't get out of it. Unless someone else had come and dusted it off from there. At the upper right corner of my room.
Everything was clear now. I had to be heartless. Kill the spider. And destroy the cobweb. The ladybird would then fly away. Free.
Lana del Ray's "Born to die" was tearing my heart to pieces. Her deep voice was resonating in my brain for the whole day. Every now and then. I was dying.
The sheer thought of you being with her is so devastating. I am here. Lying on my bed. Not dwelling in your heart. Or your soul. Not even in your arms.
The mantras were too loud. The pandit was chanting continuously. The volume of my earphones was too low to ignore it. I removed them from my ears.
The bride looked heavenly. She was so pretty. Clad in a green sari. With that content smile on her face. She was turning red every now and then. Blushing continuously.
The tank of tear glands in my eyes were empty now. No more of tears. I smiled. Smiled like a starving eagle. The eagle had found a snake.
The groom came on the pandal. He was there. I looked at him. I admired the way he was good at multitasking. With two hearts at the same time with his single heart. Little did he know that my heart and soul had already died. With just a plastic smile on.
He tied the mangalsootra on her neck. She was so lucky. Lucky enough to get him. And now lucky enough to be fed by a bullet.
There were only three bullets in the revolver. I was waiting for this day. Waiting for it to occur.
Let her world shatter to pieces. My world had already got extinct.
I was standing there. Near the pandal. With my favourite thing in my clutch. I had warned him already.
" I am not patient. I am mad. "
Nothing scared me anymore.
I had faced one. And now she would face one. An apocalypse.